Look, it’s not that I actually ENJOY recessions.  I mean, there’s nothing fun about being laid off after years of devotion to your corporate overlord or see your hard-earned 401K spiral into nothingness.  But here’s the deal…  I think we all could use a little perspective: the Titanic’s sinking, there’s not enough lifeboats, no hope of rescue, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.  So why not lay way back in your deck chair and enjoy the band as it plays on?

And so today, for your shameful pleasure, I present to you, three things you can do to enjoy the worst economic times of our generation…  Well, the last 3 or 4 generations.

Share and enjoy.

1) Become a cubicle seat-filler.
You’ve heard of seat-fillers at the Oscar’s right?  When Nicole Kidman gets up to take a pee, a "Nicole Kidman-esque woman" takes her place.  That way, when the cameras pan over the crowd, nobody says, “My God, Nicole Kidman went to take a pee!  RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the Oscars!”

The alternative would be a plastic cup.  Not pleasant.

Corporate America was so inspired by the example, they’ve gone to hiring “cubicle fillers”.  The story goes something like this.  “My God, we’ve got an important client coming on Thursday and 60% of our staff has been laid off!  That’s going to look good at all.  What shall we do?  I know!  Let’s hire temps to PRETEND to do the work that all the fired people aren’t doing.”

We found out about it on a site called oddjobnation.com—a web page for the recently unemployed that collects articles asking profound questions like, “Is porn recession-proof?”

They’ve also got a fun web sit-com about—what else—lay-offs.

2. Freak the F#($ out.

What are you doing reading this blog while you’re at work?  Your boss is just around the corner.  What was that noise?!? Was it your boss?  No, it’s the intern, thank God, it’s the intern.  Wait, what if the IT guy is watching my screen remotely?  What if they IT guy is watching my screen remotely and piping it to my boss?  What if my boss sees that I’m reading this blog while I’m at work and lays me off at 5 o’clock???  I’ve got a family and 2 kids and a car payment and a mortgage a serious coke habit on the side!

Have you had this conversation with yourself recently?

If so, hang on, you’re about to get a bit more neurotic thanks to the “Telonu Layoff Tracker”!  (PS, the coke probably isn’t helping.)  Not convinced that you’re the next one headed for the unemployment line!?  Well, you will be, as you watch the totals pour in from companies all across the nation.  GM loses a thousand!  NY Times, 200 more!  Chances are, you GOTTA be next.  Oh the fun you’ll have…

3. Buy my shirt.
Of all the things Binghamton can take pride in, there’s one that’s more useful right now than any other: we know how to live in a crappy economy.  Seriously!  Business has been thriving here for years despite tough times.  Don’t fear it!  Embrace it!  Wear it proudly on your chest.  In Small, Medium or Large…

CLICK TO ORDER

And just think!  You’ll be supporting the local economy.  For every shirt that you buy, Café Press will send $3.50 to me!  Which happens to be the exact price of a rum and coke at the Mad Moose.  Which is what I will buy with the earnings.  To forget about how crappy the economy is.

Salud!

There’s some weird epidemic of cool people dying right now—as if they were just waiting to see how the 08 election turned out before they croaked.  Yes, it was THAT good an election.

This time, at 86 years old, it was the Inventor of the Hawaiian Shirt..

Stop that, it’s not nice to laugh when people die.  Besides, the Hawaiian shirt, alongside the enormous fold-out map and long-lensed camera is one of they key tools we have in identifying clueless tourists in major metropolitan areas—or so Hanna Barbera cartoons would have you believe.

Alfred Shaheen has been called the “inventor of the Hawaiian shirt”—but it turns out that it’s not really true.  He just picked up on the trend of Americans flying back to the states with the tacky over-the-top designs and decided to make them higher quality and with more style.  At least that’s what it said in the article I read.

How anyone could make Hawaiian shirts “more stylish” is beyond me.

Elvis made the shirts even more popular when he wore one on a 1961 album cover. Oh, Elvis, you taste-maker you.

If you feel inspired to “class it up” with a Shaheen design in his memory, you can find one here.  Sadly, they don’t come in mourner’s black.

(BTW, just found out that the inventor of the Hawaiian shirt was born in Jersey.  Go figure.)