OK, so look: I’ve got a message for all you haters claimin that the Bing isn’t a “real city”.  Does YOUR hometown have its very own troop of supernatural ghost-hunters?  Huh? Huh? Well?

I thought not, bitches.

That’s right, Binghamton does; and don’t you dare call them “Ghostbusters”, or they’ll go paranormal on your ass.

Apparently, the “Binghamton Area Paranormal Society” is a bit snobby about that sort of thing—at least snotty enough to pooh-pooh the very idea of “proton packs” and “ghost-sucking”.  They seem so worried that the 80s hit film destroyed ghost-hunting cred forever that they open up the “What Is a Ghost Hunter” section of their web page with a short but disdainful rant about how they’re NOTHING like those slapstick frauds.

No, they don’t have proton packs or special uniforms with cutesy little Casper logos.  But they do have EMF meters (because electromagnetic fields tell you where the ghosts are), non-contact thermometers (because “cold spots” ALSO tell you where the ghosts are), and flashlights (because, um, it’s really, really dark where they work).

And if there’s “something strange in your neighborhood” or “an invisible man sleeping in your bed”, just understand that they’re going to assume you’re full of crap if you call them.  That’s part of their ghost-hunting philosophy: normal until proven paranormal.  But the good news is, they’re so devoted to the art that they’re willing to come investigate your home or business totally free of charge.  Act now, while supplies last!  If they DO discover some sort of creepy crawly troublemaker, however, it is NOT their job to remove it.  For that, they rely on some local “religious power” for help.  “Think of us … as counselors who … help lessen the supernatural load.”  Right.

Don’t believe in ghosts?  Well, they’ve got the photos, video, and audio to, er, “prove it”.  Supposedly.  I listened to an audio clip—uh, sorry, an “Electronic Voice Phenomena”—of a disembodied voice saying one word—“Leave”—about ten times just to decide if it was an actual communication from the afterworld or just the guy holding the tape recorder trying to screw with his buddies.

They’ve also got a handy dandy ghost dictionary on their site, which tells you all sorts of useful things—like that a “demon” is a “hostile and resentful enemy”, an “entity” is a “disembodied consciousness,”, and an “anomaly” is “anything weird, abnormal, strange, odd, or difficult to classify”.  I feel qualified to hunt ghosts already.

And these hunters aren’t libel to sit on their ass and wait for the ghosts to come to them.  They’ve already investigated paranormal reports in a number of sites all over the Bing aread: The Bunn Hill Road Cemetery, Chenango Valley Cemetery, Ingram Hill Road Cemetery, Port Crane Cemetery, Morgantown Cemetery… Uh, yeah. They like cemeteries a lot.  Well these ARE ghosthunters.  And I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in assuming this isn’t just an excuse to romp around amongst graves in the middle of the night.  Thought I would point out that if the dead people are STAYING in the cemeteries, it can’t be that much of a problem.

OK, fine, I’m a cynic.  But I’m willing to be turned.  If a BingPop reader wants their home ghost-busted, I’ll come along for the ride.  Just as long as they let me hold one of the electromagnetic field detectors.  And let me pretend it’s a tricorder.  You just let me know.

BTW, my e-mail request for an interview was not immediately returned.  Too busy exorcising the demons, I suppose.