OK, I’m frankly not a big fan of “cute” things; puppy dogs, baby dolls, anything that makes people scrunch up their face and go “awwwwww”—gag me.  But I know that some of you have that whole “sentimentality” defect going on.  So with that in mind, I bring you this saccharine-coated story—don’t let it be said that I don’t have a heart.  Or at least pretend to have one when it gets me play.

Yesterday morning, at approximately 10:50 AM, the Binghamton Fire Department rescued a dog from the Susqehanna River.  The dog’s owner had been walking him when he decided to follow a flock of seagulls into the water–the dog, not the owner.  (BTW, I’m a much bigger fan of cats.  A cat would NOT have followed a flock of seagulls into an icy river.  Cats are smarter.  And bitchier.  Which I DEFINITELY like.)

The Binghamton Fire Department sprung into action, using a special “ice-rescue suit” to pull the dog out of the water.  OK, that part is cool.  I like that the fire department has a whole special suit just dedicated to ice rescues.  Now I know that it’s safe to go kayaking in the middle of January.

(PS, BingPop.com will not be held responsible if you get killed trying to kayak in the middle of January.  It’s called satire, putz; look it up.)

Anyway, there you are.  It’s BingPop’s “Feel Good Story of the Year”.  Hope you can wait another 365.

BTW, a few weeks ago, we heard through the grapevine that the Dept declined to rescue a cat from a tree out of concerns for the safety of its firefighters.  I actually think that’s pretty darn smart.  But because stirring the pot is just more fun than just acknowledging good policy, I asked the city’s Community Relations Director, Andrew Block, why…

“It’s Fire Department protocol to carry out practices for which it trains, and river rescues – including from frigid waters – constitute one of these practices; coincidentally, the Dept. conducted river rescue last training just a week ago. Therefore, it was within their protocol to conduct [yesterday’s] dog rescue.

By contrast, it is outside and counter to protocol to attempt dangerous practices for which the department does not train or have the necessary equipment, and tree rescues constitute just such a practice. Hence, the Department refrained from attempting to take the cat from the tree a few weeks back.

In sum, safety is our top priority, and our protocols reflect the best level of safety we are able to provide to the community.”

That’s all fine and well, but not very scandalous.  When I tell the story at cocktail parties, my version will be that Andrew Block hates cats.