I’m not proud of the fact that I spent 5 of my 6 hours at the New York State Fair looking for a deep-fried peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  (We spent the other hour sitting on the highway off-ramp waiting to park.)

But I will say this: The “Great” New York State Fair knows how to fry sh*t.  I put “Great” in quotes, not because it isn’t—it is pretty great—but because I think it’s funny that all you have to do to make something great is to call it that.  On a related note, I shall henceforth be known as The Excellent and Awesome Joshua B.

It’s true:  the Great NYS Fair knows how to fry sh*t and I, as it turns out, know how to eat fried sh*t.  Oreos, cheese curds, Twinkies, Snickers, Pop Tarts, dough, pizza… if they can get breading to stick to the sides, they’ll throw it into boiling hot oil and charge you 7 dollars.  They’ll even fry chicken.  Imagine that.

The holy grail of fried foods, as it turns out, is the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Not sure why this is true; perhaps it’s because the PB&J is the best sandwich ever invented and frying things is the ONLY thing proven to make just about anything taste better.  But for whatever reason, it’s highly desirable.  And awfully hard to find.  As any holy grail should be.

We really did spend an awful lot of time looking for that fabulous sandwich.  But along the way, we had some other adventures too.  Adventures that involved milk, grilled chicken, and potatoes.

OK, all our adventures involved food.

Here are just a few of them:

25 CENT MILK.  AND COWS!
Having recently learned that cows make milk (see previous entry) I was especially excited to find out that the Fair has both cows and milk in the same place.  And 25 cent milk at that!  To be totally honest, I don’t really get the milk appeal, but Jason was very excited about it…

I have to take a brief interlude here to explain about my friend Jason.  Jason has what I consider to be a slightly unhealthy obsession with the Great New York State Fair.  Why unhealthy?  “It’s like my Christmas,” he explains.  I’m not sure what dreadful things Santa brought him as a child that 25 cent milk is more appealing, but whatever it was, Jason promised to be my guide to the Fair.  And he was, displaying a deft understanding of where to find just about anything in that maze of food vendors, carnival games, music stages, and livestock—including cows!

A quick visit to the NYSFair web site will tell you that milk is New York’s “official state drink”.  What they don’t tell you is that it’s also the official state drink of Arkansas, Delaware, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Minnesota, Mississippi, Nebraska, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia, and Wisconsin.  (In Rhode Island it’s ‘coffee milk’, whatever that is.)  BTW, Nebraska has TWO state drinks.  Milk AND Kool-Aid.  No joke.

So I suppose in light of the state drink thing, it was only appropriate that I tried New York State milk at what was inexplicably called the “Rainbow Milk Bar.”  I guess because the milk comes in BOTH regular and chocolate.  But because I was a bit underenthused about the milk bar, I asked Jason to explain why it makes him so… giddy.  He responded with the following text message segments—each 160 characters or less…

“The Rainbow Milk Bar is a 60-year-old tradition celebrating a cherished New York industry…”
“…Drinking the delicious milk is a nostalgic experience that harkens back to a simpler time…”
“…in a day where the wholesomeness of milk is perverted by flavors and growth hormones…”
“…The Rainbow Milk Bar takes us back to a time where you didn’t need flashy packaging, high-fructose corn syrup, or hyper-sweetened drinks…”
“…Back to a time when all you needed was a quarter in your pocket and a smile on your face…”

We’re trying to get Jason a job writing tourism brochures for historical landmarks in small towns with old mills and civil war statues.  Seems appropriate.

Anyway, the 25 cent milk WAS delicious.  Although—are you listening Great New York State Fair?—the chocolate milk could use a bit more syrup.

What was more interesting to me was the butter sculpture.  Which rotated magically under its own power.  Or at least seemed to.  3200 sticks of butter were used to make the thing—enough to top 6400 large tubs of popcorn… God, I’m getting hungry.  And it was sculpted by husband/wife team Marie Pelton and Jim Victor, who also once created two famous football players entirely out of pepperoni, cheese and olives.  Wow.

This year’s sculpture was entitled “Dairyville 2020”, and the idea was to create a model for sustainable farms of the future.

Then, of course, there were the cows.  Jason was always yelling at me to pet things.  Baby cows.  Baby chicks.  Having grown in North Jersey, there weren’t a lot of opportunities to pet barnyard animals.  Of course, he’d also warn me in advance of petting anything… “Be careful! The cows kick.” “Baby chicks!  Careful… you could get salmonella.”

He also felt it necessary to ask every dairy farmer in the “Toyota Dairy Cattle Center”—(why exactly are cows sponsored by Toyota?)—if the brown cows give chocolate milk.  :: Hangs head in shame. ::

STUFF THAT ISN’T FRIED
Everything at the fair is fried.  EVERYTHING.  Well, almost everything.  I was starving on the drive up and begged Jason to stop.  He refused, saying there’d be plenty to eat once we arrived.  Which was an excellent theory, until he missed the off-ramp and spent an extra hour in traffic.  I was pretty much famished when we got there, and on a mission to find something legitimately healthy to eat.  Finally, after another hour of searching, we found the ONE vendor at the fair that offered a grilled chicken sandwich.  Luckily, there were plenty of terribly unhealthy options at the same spot for Jason to sample.  We grabbed something called “Potatoes O’Reilly”, which were basically thinly sliced potatoes, deliciously soaked in oil, and Jason got a bacon and cheese sandwich.  Here’s how Jason ordered…  Jason: “Hey, what’s on a bacon and cheese sandwich?” Girl: “…bacon and cheese.”  Jason: “Oh… OK… I’ll have one of those.”

EXTREME SCULPTURE
I always thought ice-sculpting was pretty kick-ass—that is, until I saw the “Master of the Chainsaw”, Brian Ruth.  His “X-Treme Power Sculptor” performance involves transforming ordinary logs into things that are, well, surprisingly dainty and cute.  Things like heron.  Aww.  According to nysfair.org, he’s there EVERY DAY, creating four pieces a day.  I truly hope that he’s available for events like weddings and children’s birthday parties—because nothing says young Bobby’s birthday like a sculpture that requires a metal cage, power tools, and safety goggles to craft.  Carve on, my friend.  Carve on.

THE NEON CHICKENS
I would honestly go to the fair just to see this in person.  I’ve seen people die food unnatural colors before just to make sure the kids will care, but I’ve never seen the principal applied to livestock.  Until now.  Green!  Blue!  Red!  These chickens are like an unwitting pop punk band in a cage.  And I’m SO all about it.

The neon chicken area is ALSO where I got to hold a live chick.  My live chick hated me.  And kept trying to jump out of my hands.   Potentially, to its death.  Baby chickens can’t fly, right?  But it seemed willing to endure the 4 foot drop to the floor below just so it would be done with me.  Jason couldn’t understand why I was so timid with the animals, but what with the salmonella warning, could you really blame me?

THE WINE SLUSHIES
I had never even HEARD of a wine slushy until I moved upstate.  Now, I’m not sure why they’re not available EVERYWHERE.  State fair veterans should pay attention here—there’s a change from last year.  Previously, the wine slushy tent was roped off from the rest of the fair, forcing slushy drinkers, who were clearly there ONLY for the booze, to make idle chit-chat with their fair-going companions… until they were finished and able to free themselves from the confines of slushy zone.  Starting this year, however, the slushies may roam free!  Free to wander over to the fried oreo tent—opening up the possibility for endless dipping combinations.  Free to head over the midway, where one might partake in my very favorite carnival game of all: lobbing dirty old baseballs at empty glass beer bottles.

However, there IS a tradeoff.  No longer can one buy a giant 20-ounch plastic souvenir wine slushy cup.  We’re now forced to buy 10-ounce flimsy plastic cup after 10-ounce flimsy plastic cup of slushy yum to get our wine buzz on.  Jason had thought we were limited to 2 cups per order, but, after I left the tent, he emerged a moment later with three cups—a practice he charmingly referred to as “triple-fisting”.  WARNING: Wine slushies can and do cause wine slushy brain freeze.  Drink with caution.  Or, at the very least, slowly.

THE CHEAP SEATS
The Great New York State Fair has a truly phenomenal line-up of concerts this year.  Aerosmith, Rihanna, Justin Bieber, Sean Kingston, Tim McGraw, Rascal Flatts, Kellie Pickler—whoever’s doing their booking is doing a kick-ass job.  Of course, they can only bring in the big names if we go and buy the big tickets.  So make sure you support the shows.  Try to pay for at least ONE show this year…

And do as I say, not as I do.  Because I’m way poor right now.  And couldn’t afford a ticket for Rihanna.  Who I really, really, really wanted to see live.

See, there’s a story here.  A long, long time ago (5 years) in a land far, far away (NYC), I worked at a radio station and actually met Rihanna in person.  She had just released her first single and I, frankly, wasn’t sure how far she was going to go as an artist…

God I’m a f*ing idiot.  I mean, stupid beyond reason.  I couldn’t have asked for one little autograph?

Anyway, ever since then I’ve desperately wanted to see her in concert.  So thank God, again, for my NYSFair veteran Jason.  He told me that if you REALLLLLY wanna see a show and REALLLLLLY don’t have the cash, there’s always the super-obstructed cheap-ass viewing option.  THIS was my view of the last half-hour of the Rihanna concert.  All I paid was general admission to the fair.  And as you can see, I was NOT alone…

THE FRIED PB&J
Only ONE DAMN VENDOR at the fair makes fried PB&J.  And let me just say this: the other fried food vendors aren’t always that happy to direct you to their competition.  But who else are you supposed to ask?  There’s not exactly a fried food map to the fair.  After hours of searching, we finally found the PB&J people.  And man, did we hit the jackpot.  There’s almost nothing they wouldn’t fry.  In fact, their sign says it all: “You bring it, we’ll fry it.”  Quite an offer, considering the guy that created fried beer in Texas burned himself on the deep fryer several times before figuring out you had to wrap it in a pocket of pretzel dough first.

Now here’s the thing about fried PB&J…  Um, it really isn’t that great. Certainly not worth the 5-hours quest.  And it’s not the fault of the fryer!  Certainly, they used good ingredients.  Their PB&J tasted great on its own.  And the fried coating tasted great on their cheese curds.  But some things simply aren’t meant to be fried.  I know; I’m as shocked as the next Chicken McNugget addict!  …now fried oreos on the other hand…  it’s like somebody wrapped up heaven in a nice little pouch of powdered sugar and delivered it straight to the state fair.  :: contented sign ::

ANYWAY
This is clearly not a consummate guide to the Great New York State Fair.  In fact, it’s not even a consummate guide to the FOOD of the New York State Fair.  And that’s about all I covered.  If you consider neon chickens food.  Which clearly I do.  But the bottom line is you just need to go explore on your own.  Find your own neon chicken.  Find your own fried PB&J.  And maybe even find something at the fair that isn’t food.  You never know…

OK, Binghamton, we have a problem.  And it’s lame people who plan on staying home New Years Eve.

Yeah, lame people, I’m talking to you.  Not sure that you’re one of the lame people?  I’ve got a little “Lame People Quiz” that you can self-administer find out if you’re one of the lame-o’s..  Think back of over the past month and try to remember if you ever found yourself saying one of the following things in response to a New Years Eve invitation:  “I actually did the party thing for so many years and I’m kinda tired of it.  I’ll prolly turn in early this time around so I can get a nice early start to 2010—maybe even go for a jog!”  Or how bout this piece of crap: “I just want to snuggle up next to the fire with a good book and watch the ball drop on TV.  That Ryan Seacreast: he’s so dreamy.  Not as dreamy as Dick Clarke, but he’ll do.”  Or even worse: “I like spending New Years with the one I love, swaying softly back and forth to the sounds of Norah Jones, enjoying each others company until, sleepy from that quarter bottle of Korbel champagne we daintily sipped together, our eyelids grow heavy and we begin to pass out on the sofa in each other’s arms, quietly whispering sweet nothings into each others ears.”

OK, quiz is over.  If you found yourself saying one of the above phrases or anything even vaguely similar over the last month, it means that you’re one of the lame people.  Get your s&*t together, because you’re going out in Binghamton on New Years Eve and you’re going to like it.  Don’t make me come over there.

Why am I so passionate about getting people out of their homes on New Years Eve?

Well for two reasons, really.  First of all, New Years is the one holiday we can all actually agree to celebrate together.  Because it has no religious significance.  No political implications.  No historical importance.  Just the celebration of one second ending and another one beginning—one that just happens to mark the beginning of a new year.  Much ado about nothing, really.  Like all of humanity decided to simultaneously throw its hands into the air with irrational glee and proclaim, “Christ, look at how many 2010 wall calendars we sold at a 50% discount!  Let’s go get smashed to celebrate!”

And smashed we will all get.

Well, not ALL of us—it just so happens that getting smashed is my activity of choice.  But there’s ANOTHER big reason to be excited about New Years in Downtown Binghamton: First Night.

The good people of Southern Tier Celebrates have created a ridiculously packed schedule of events for First Night Binghamton 2010.  If you haven’t bought your button yet, they’re stupidly cheap: 12 bucks.  Go to http://stcelebrates.org to see all the stuff you get to do for 12 bucks.  When I say stupidly cheap, I mean it.  You could pay more than 12 dollars for 2 Venti Lattes at Starbucks.  Or you could just buy a First Night Button and get 8 hours worth of entertainment.  You choose.  And don’t be lame.  Lattes will just make you fat.  Even the ones with skim milk.  170 calories per cup.  I just looked it up.

(And PS, if you ARE going to pick the lattes over the fun, you should at least buy a local latte—Java Joe’s [which is open till 11 PM on New Years Eve] or L’Aveggio Roasteria.)

OK, now that I’ve used my irresistible powers of persuasion to convince you to be less lame, I’m sure you’re wondering where to start being less lame.

Well don’t panic; I was prepared for this eventuality… crossing from the land of the lame to the place where the rest of us live requires a wee bit of guidance.  And that’s why I have authored the following guide:

“BingPop’s Guide on How Not To Be Lame on New Years Eve in Downtown Binghamton”

Don’t send thanks.  Just send cash.

Now I’ve divided the guide into two parts.  Part 1 is a small selection of official First Night that I recommend for beginners—follow my lead; you’ll be sure to have a good time AND avoid any clunkers.  Part 2 is a list of First Night hangers-on-ers; they’re not official events, but rather really hot venues that are throwing their own New Years parties at the same time as First Night.  In celebration of it being 2010, I’ve invited the promoters of each of these events to explain why they’re throwing the hottest party around—using exactly 10 words—no more, no less.  (I get my warm and fuzzies by asking people to do strange things for free press.)

PART 1
OFFICIAL STUFF TO DO THAT DOESN’T SUCK

People Lighting S*#t on Fire at Midnight
Otherwise known as the Binghamton Bonfire
12:00 Behind the BC Arena
(As described my Larry Kassan, Twilight Zone Expert, Avid Playbill Collector, and Area Culture Geek)
What better way to say good bye to 2009 and hello to 2010 than by attending the First Night Binghamton Bonfire. Held behind the BC Arena at the culmination of the evening’s festivities, the fire (lit by our brave Binghamton Firefighters, "the one time each year they get to start a fire!") is a great way to warm up, cuddle with your friends … or complete strangers, and welcome in the New Year! And best yet, ya don’t need a button to take part! This year there will be a (pardon the pun) smokin’ live band and at midnight, as the State Office Building countdown goes dark floor by floor, the New Year will be welcomed by what used to be called a GIANT (now Weiss) firework display that will light up the night sky!

People Banging Loudly on S*#t to Wake Up the Neighbors
Otherwise known as the Djembe Drum Circle
5:15 at the Binghamton HS Commons
(As described by Rob Wandell, Owner of Imagicka, Otherwise Known As that Guy With the Really Long Curly Hair Who’s Always Banging on African Drums)
Djembe Drum Circle will run an interactive drum class geared for beginners.  Learn the basics and one or two West African rhythms.  The style that he’ll be teaching has roots in Guinea and the Ivory Coast.  It’s relaxing and energizing all at the same time.  “Like taking an acoustic shower.  You’ll come out refreshed, like ‘ahhh’.  We’ll also be part of the Merry Maker’s March, so if you miss the class, you can see us there.”  The Djembe class is full of basic rhythms and therefore perfect for all ages.

People Running Around in a Hamster Ball To Play a Video Game That’s Like 100 Times Better Than Nintendo Wii
Otherwise known as the VirtuSphere Demonstration
5:00 at the Binghamton HS Small Gym
(As described by Jim DiMascio, COO of VirtuSphere, or, as I like to call him, Lord of the Hamster Ball)
Virtusphere is a virtual reality locomotion simulator. The hardware set consists of a hollow sphere, which is placed on a special platform that allows the sphere to rotate freely in any direction according to the user’s steps. First Night attendees will be able to get inside Virtusphere and experience a virtual tour of the historic village of Lavra, Russia by transmitting the virtual enviroment to the wireless head mounted display, attendess will move freely through out the Lavra virtual envirotment creating the most immersive virtual experience. Virtusphere is going to revolutionize virtual reality entertainment which includes allowing people to play inside the favorite games, providing virtual tours for education, museums, fitness and architectural walk through.

World-Renown People Running Around Doing Funny Dances That Will Blow You Away
Otherwise Known as Galumpha
9:45 at the Broome County Forum
(As described by Andy Horowitz, President in the Land of Galumpha. And the most flexible guy I’ve ever talked to over e-mail.)
Galumpha combines acrobatics, striking visual effects, physical comedy and inventive choreography to bring to life a world of imagination, beauty, muscle and merriment. The three performers create a sensory feast of images, drawn together into a seamless whole, consistently bringing audiences to their feet. Galumpha is a triumphant mix of art and entertainment, offering award-winning choreography (Edinburgh Festival Critics Choice Award, Moers International Comedy Arts Prize) at venues throughout the world.  For First Night Galumpha will perform two, 45-minute sets at the Forum Theater in downtown Binghamton at 8:30 and 9:45 PM.  The first set will open with a world premier choreographed and performed by children who participated in last summer’s Galumpha Gang intensive acrobatic dance workshop.  These 20 brave artists will dazzle their audience with creativity and acrobatic prowess.  Following the children’s presentation, the three Galumpha performers will take the stage and finish out the set.  What does Galumpha really do?  Well, we guarantee this:  You will see ways in which one human being can lift another two off the ground that you have never, ever seen before!

Crazy People Hacking up Ice with Chain Saws
Otherwise known as the Ice Sculpting Competition
7:00 at the Broome County Courthouse Lawn
(As described by me, from what I’m reading in the First Night Booklet)
OK, details were a little sketchy on this one, but I’m still recommending it—mainly because it involves a chainsaw.  I think we can all agree that chainsaws on the lawn of the Courthouse Building sound like a fun event, no?  The folks behind this demonstration are the same ones that did ice sculpting in front of a meager audience of onlookers during the rainy-day Communiversityfest.  They’re called “Iceography” and they had a whole mess of talent.  But I should warn you from past experience:  There’s nothing FAST about an ice-sculpting competition.  It’s a group of four people.  Slooooowly making art.  All the same time.  (With a chainsaw.)  Not fast, but beautiful.  And I secretly want to lick the sculptures when they’re done to see if my tongue will stick.

But I’m afraid of the chainsaws.

PART 2
UNOFFICIAL STUFF TO DO THAT EXTRA-DOESN’T SUCK

Now, because it’s going to be 2010, and because I’m a bit weird, I asked the promoters at some of my very favorite Bingo venues to explain in EXACTLY 10 words why they were throwing the hottest New Years Eve parties in the Southern Tier.  As you’ll see, many cheated, through the cunning use of dashes, slashes, and ampersands.  *sigh* Ain’t there no decency left?

Here they are (In alphabetical order.  Because it seemed fairest.  Most fair.  Whatever):

Antonio’s Galleria & Cafe (way out in Endicott…  I know, Endicott!)
Upscale, classy, complimentary champagne, live DJ, outstanding martinis & GELATO!

Cyber Café West
Hottest? Coolest definitely. Monkeys Typing, Chilled Champagne, Funny Hats! Rocking!

The Kilmer Brasserie
Hats & Noisemakers. Champagne Toast. Balloon Drop. Great Music. No Clean-up!

Merlins
Katrina as Dick Clark. All-night liquor. Free Champagne-Toast & Noisemakers.

Southern Tier Young Professionals Dinner Party
Fantastic french buffet with wine, 8pm - 10pm, dress to impress.

Tranquil
Eclectic music! JoshuaB. Free Hors d’oeuvres. Champagne! We mention d’oeuvres?

Yes, it’s true!  I’ll be DJing at Tranquil on New Years Eve.  I like to think I saved the best for last, but you decide for yourself which is best.  Oh, and one last little event I’ll be a part of:  “The Official First Night Mini Countdown”.  You can find it in the Forum starting at 9:30 PM.  The idea is pretty adorable:  Bring the kids, pretend it’s midnight, count backwards from 10, everybody gets to scream and shout, and then you can shuttle them off to bed with a babysitter so you can go back out and do it all over again for the real thing.  OK, maybe they’re not ACTUALLY encouraging you to lie to your children, but that’s what I’d do.  It’d midnight SOMEWHERE in the world at 9:30 PM.  Isn’t it?

Anyway, I’ll see you out on New Years Eve.  And don’t think you can get out of this thing now.  You’ve read the ENTIRE story—and that means you’re committed to the party.  I’ve saved  your IP Address and you’re being tracked.  Don’t think you can use the Internet on New Years Eve without me knowing.  And I have access to ice-sculpting chain saws.

I am on a very serious quest to find the Best Latkes in Binghamton.  Don’t mess.

When I moved to Johnson City 3 years ago, I knew a grand total of 1 other Jew in the Southern Tier.  Our first Chanukah together, we decided to make latkes.  Well, we decided to ATTEMPT to make latkes.  Important distinction.

He claimed he knew how.  He claimed he had the necessary skills.  He claimed he had made them before.

He lied.

I was betrayed.

Without going into too much detail, let’s just say we spent that evening shoveling half-cooked flour/egg/potato/dough-balls into our mouths like so much cookie dough.  While watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV.  *sigh*

Flash forward two years.  I’m utterly determined to find a decent latke in Binghamton.  With a new tool at my disposal:  Facebook.

I flip on over to Joshua Aurbach’s page (Kosher Black & White Cookie/Challah King of Broome County).  Surely, Josh must know where in Binghamton the potato pancake resides.  I tap out a message: “Doing a story on BingPop about latkes.  Wondering where I can get my hands on a good greasy potato pancake.”

His response: “The Jewish Community Center.  And my Mom.”

*sigh* Another dead end.  Being a 3-holiday-a-year Jew, I don’t have a membership at the JCC.  And I don’t have Josh’s Mom’s number.

(PS, Josh’s challah is now available in Weis markets.  All must try.  And if you’ve never had challah before, prepare to have your world rocked.)

In one final act of desperation, I post a status update: “Looking for latke’s in Binghamton.  Does ANYBODY know where I can find them.”  Lo and behold, the answer presents itself:  I am informed by uber-hip forward-thinking business-savvy shiksa restaurateur Marie McKenna—co-owner of the Lost Dog—that each year her café hosts a Latke night every year!

Well what else could I do? I cleared my schedule and prepared for a ravishing round of dreidel.

And dreidel there was.  Wooden dreidels, by the way.  In all my Jewish years, I’ve never once seen a clay dreidel.  That dreidel song is bullsh*t.  We were also given Chanuakah gelt—chocolate coins in tin wrapping. dreidel, you may not know, is a gambling game.  It’s no wonder my Grandma likes Bingo so much; we’re trained when we’re young.

(Yes, I know, dreidel can also be a drinking game.  I was in college once too.)

But let’s talk about the food!  Marie and her staff didn’t stop at latkes.  There were three Chanukah-themed entrees: a sweet and sour beef brisket, salmon in a tomato ginger sauce, and roast chicken with challah, apricot and pine-nut stuffing.  YUM.  Apparently, as news of Lost Dog’s annual Chanukah dinner spread, Marie’s Jewish friends began to come out of the woodwork with old family recipes.  She mixes it up every year.

I tried to brow-beat my table into ordering ALL of the holiday selections (by accusing them of hating Chanukah if they refused), but my ploy was only half effective.  One dinner-mate insisted on reliving the three-hundred and seventy other times she’d downed the restaurants famous penne a la vodka.  After all was said and done, we ordered 3 of the 4.  Our ratings are below…

The Brisket - 4 Dreidels!
 

The Chicken - 5 Dreidels!

The Latkes - 4 Dreidels!

A few words about the latkes themselves: They were utterly close to receiving five dreidels, but latkes, like chicken soup or mac & cheese, are only truly satisfying if they taste IDENTICAL to the way your parents made them when you were a child.

For me, that meant literally gallons of oil.  Seriously, I’m pretty sure Grandma ran down the block to McDonald’s and used their deep-fryer to make McLatkes.  Latkes weren’t latkes if the oil hadn’t soaked through the paper-plate, the paper towel beneath, the plastic placemat under that, and the oak wood table beneath them all to create a dripping puddle of fat on the tile floor below.  Not that it was only my Grandma—it was truly a family trait.  I remember enjoying my mother’s brownie recipe for YEARS before I found out that it involved 3 full sticks of butter.  Literally.  THREE STICKS.  It’s mind-boggling that there was room in the pan for any other ingredients.  It was butter with brown food coloring.

At this very moment, somewhere in North Jersey there is a 30-year-old clutching his chest as a result of artery plaque that can be traced back to the brownies he had on my birthday in our second grade homeroom class.

Anyway, everyone at my table had a fantastic time.  And something you’ll learn about latkes: they are served with either sour cream or apple sauce, rarely both.  You can spend an entire Chanukah meal arguing which is best—and I have; well, you can only play dreidel for so long…  Although we did spend time between latkes and the main course playing for pennies (and, for some reason, a drink chip worth $3.50… I think we were one penny short.)

My one and ONLY complaint about that fantastic Chanukah meal—are you listening Lost Dog—was the lack of a suitable wine pairing for the latkes… Take note: The San Francisco Chronicle recommends a good Chardonnay.

Let me make you hate yourself for not living in downtown Binghamton for just a sec, K?  In addition to the ever-increasing restaurant options, the free wi-fi, the variety of bar (cocktail) choices, and the obscenely low urban rent, it’s home to the best housing (and more importantly, house parties) in Binghamton.  Seriously.  Just because you haven’t gotten an invite yet, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Still don’t believe me?  Come out this Friday.

Three living spaces that are going to make you “uber-jealous” (as Bruno might say) will be open to the Southern Tier Young Professionals, and through them, the public.  The event is a progressive dinner that will weave from downtown to Riverside and back again over the course of 4 hours.

The party starts at Sylvia/Wayne Kerber’s gorgeous 4-floor loft.  You will drool; you will covet; it will make you reconsider your career choices.  This pad is so fab, in fact, that it was covered over on HGTV—which is not to say they did a good job of covering it; the editors over at HG have managed to imbue a compelling story of urban renewal with all the energy of a 7-part Ken Burns miniseries on the history of the ball-point pen.  The reality, however, is much more interesting.  And you should join STYP there on Friday for appetizers, a chance to meet the (extremely warm and creative) Kerbers, and to take in this modern designer’s wet dream.

Now I haven’t been to home of Robin Alpaugh OR Doug Camin, but I’ve heard good things.  Robin’s home is described on the invite as a classic Riverside mansion, and you’re invited to munch noodles on the porch smothered in homemade sauces.  Doug Camin, for those of you who haven’t met him, does all sorts fancypants things with computers—that afford him a State Street loft right above state-of-the art recording studio On Point Productions.  He’ll be the final destination—the place where you hopefully still have enough room to scarf down some dessert without losing everything else you’ve been consuming till then.

Personally, I’m looking forward to collapsing shortly after that.  But I expect there’ll still be plenty looking to party downtown.

I asked Dawn Lanouette, social chair of the Young Professionals to give me just a few more details…

Well look, I’ve never been to a progressive dinner.  And I can guess what one is.  But why do all that work when you could just explain….

Progressive dinners come in all shapes and sizes. Since this one involves such a large group, we try to keep it simple. We start at the first home on Court St.  and eat appetizers and drink wine. At about 7 pm, we’ll leave and (weather permitting) walk to riverside drive for dinner and more beverages.  Then about 9, we’ll walk back to another loft on Court St for dessert and beverages.  So, it’s a meal, a home tour, and an evening stroll all in one!

I see from Facebook that people are invited to bring an app or desert.  Is it free otherwise?

A dessert or appetizer is the price of admission so to speak. We provide the main course and some wine and non-alcoholic beverage. People are encouraged to bring their favorite beverage, too, as you may not like what we serve, but it is otherwise free.  You don’t have to worry about carrying things, either.  We’ll have a car for transporting food and wine from place to place.

OK, this is important:  I see there’s a pasta bar for dinner.  Rottini, sphaghetti, elbows, penne?  What are we talking here?  Will there be a variety of shapes?  And sauces.. talk to me about my options.  I’m serious about my pasta.

We use penne because its easier to eat. So far, we’ve got three sauces-a bolognese, a vodka sauce, and an alfredo. I’d love to add one more, but we’ll have to see if we get a volunteer.  There will also be salad and garlic bread. The sauces are homemade. I’m told the bolognese is her grandmother’s secret recipe and I know the other two have won awards. I think you’ll be duly impressed.  But, since you’re the expert, maybe you want to show off your skill.

The venues look like fun; describe the "vibe" of each: the Kerber house, the Alpaugh mansion, and the Camin loft…

The Kerber place is simply awesome. It’s been featured on HGTV. Essentially, they took this store front type building in downtown and turned it into their home. Since they designed it themselves, they give great tours.  It is very modern. Robin Alpaugh’s Riverside Drive house is the complete opposite.  You step inside and feel like you’ve gone back in time.  He has a photograph of what it used to look like and has worked very hard to restore it.  He just added a garden out back, so we’ll be eating on the huge front porch and in the back garden.  It’s beautiful.  Doug and Kim’s loft has a younger, hipper feel to it.  It has a great view of downtown, and is just this huge space for people to mix mingle, eat and drink. 

Seriously, though, don’t you think you should have included somebody’s dirty, overcrowded studio just for grit and realism?

Um, yeah, I used to live in one of those, so, no.  Though, we are walking through downtown twice, that should provide enough grit and realism for everyone, or you could walk downtown after the event–it’s only a block away.
 
Your invite fails to mention the drinking opportunities.  I can only assume this is an oversight.  So let’s talk booze.  Being that all the venues are within walking distance…

You are correct, that was an oversight.  So, here’s the deal–we’ll have wine at each venue and some non-alcoholic beverage, BUT as you pointed out, this is a great chance to drink without having to drive, so people are welcome (even encouraged) to bring their favorite beverage, and there are already several people bringing their favorites to share.  Hey, you want to enjoy this night, and who knows if you’ll like the wine we’re serving?  Again, we’ll have a car to put wine in to take from place to place.  Oh, and Doug and Kim have a nice bar, so wine probably isn’t the only thing on the menu at that stop.
 
So do we bring our fancy party dress?  How should we fit in; nobody wants to be the only dope in cargo shorts and a "Bing Crosby + Ham + 1-Ton Weight" T-shirt…

Common sense is key to dressing for this event.  Remember, we’re walking from Court to Riverside and back again, so save the 3 inch heels for another night.  That said, there will be all types of dress.  Some of us will be coming straight from work, so that means, losing a jacket, taking off a tie and rolling up the sleeves.  Most people, though, will be very casual.  Shorts are fine–ripped t-shirts probably will make you feel underdressed.  Unless, of course, it’s a BingPop T-Shirt, then it’s welcome everywhere, right?