So what do Binghamton, my Mom, and the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons all have in common?

Stick with me here…

A long, long time ago (I was 13), in a land far, far away (North Jersey), my mother asked me to explain: “What is this Dungeons and Dragons thing all about?”

She said it in that tone of voice that parents occasionally adopt, as if to say, “I’m only asking because I think it’s possible you might have gotten mixed up with something that I don’t understand involving sex, drugs, rock & roll, satanic cults, or, most likely, all 4, and I’m very much hoping you can explain it all away for me so that I can return to my can of Diet Coke and a very special episode of Geraldo where I’ll be indoctrinated with even more irrational parental fears.”

Keep in mind, this was the same troubled tone she used when learning that I was “Surfing” “That Interweb” in “Her House”.

Joshua
Well… Mom… Dungeons and Dragons is kinda like a board game.

Mom (excitedly, comprehending)
A board game!  Like Monopoly!  That’s not so bad!

Joshua
Well yes, except there’s no board…

Mom (disappointed, bewildered)
Oh.

Joshua
Or like a video game.

Mom (jubilant, understanding)
A video game!  Like Tetris!  That makes sense!

Joshua
Well, yes, except there’s really no television or joystick or cartridge or anything.

Mom (defeated, confused)
Oh.

Joshua
It’s really a bit like a card game—

(Mom holds her hand up.)

Mom
Is it a sex thing?

Joshua
Mom!

Mom
Cause if it’s a sex thing, you can tell me.  Or a drug thing—are you smoking something?  Cigarettes?  Crack?  Heroin?

Joshua
Mom.

Mom
…Forget it.

(Mom exits, stage left, presumably to drink her Diet Coke and watch Geraldo.)

Yes, Mom, didn’t understand Dungeons and Dragons, and neither did the world.  In 1979, a mentally unbalanced boy named James Egbert wandered into the steam tunnels at Michigan State in a failed attempt to kill himself, and the PI that was hired to find him blamed the whole thing on Dungeons and Dragons.  It turned out to have nothing at all to do with D&D and everything to do with Egbert wanting to kill himself, but the damage had been done.  From then on, the game held a pretty big stigma.  And so did the people playing it.

But what’s the REALITY of D&D and why in God’s name does Binghamton have anything to do with this blog entry?

Well one of the people at the forefront of “de-geeking” the D&D franchise (and perhaps even de-demonizing it) is Binghamton-born author Shelly Mazzanoble.  A few years back, she wrote a book for makers of D&D called “Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress: A Girl’s Guide to the Dungeons & Dragons Game”.

From the very beginning, she takes on your perceptions about who the “typical D&D player” is…  Action hero Vin Diesel, comedian Stephen Colbert, Queer as Folk regular Hal Sparks, and child actor Wil Wheaton: all closet D&Ders; none of them geeks.

Well yeah OK, Wil Wheaton’s a pretty big geek.  But he also played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Which is pretty damn cool.  If you’re a pretty big geek.

And some of these people aren’t just casual gamers.  Vin Diesel reportedly had the name of his D&D character tattooed on his stomach while filming xXx.  That’s some seriously butch action cred.  Heh.

The point is, D&D players come from all walks of life.  Even uber girly girls.  Like Shelly Mazzanoble:

“I get pedicures, facials and microderm abrasions.  I own more flavors of body lotions, scrubs, and rubs than Baskin Robbins could dream of putting in a cone.  I organize my shoes by heel height, sort my handbags by strap length…” and so on.

And yes, she, as it turns out, is also a D&D player.  But she wasn’t always.  Mazzanoble more or less stumbled into her promotions job at (D&D maker) Wizards of the Coast by answering a generic help wanted ad—no company name.   It wasn’t long before she was working at an office that not only tolerated… actually encouraged their employees to play games during the workday.

I have to be honest and tell you that I thought her book would read like a promotional pamphlet for the game.  But it doesn’t.  Mazzanoble’s approach dispenses with gamer clichés—pimply faced loner teens with Dorito-stained hands in dark basements—right up front and allows us to look at the real world of “role-playing” with fresh perspective.  It’s fun, witty, smart and will make it clear to anybody who cracks the spine—future gamer or not—why D&D appeals.  And it also makes me hope that we’ll even more of her work published sometime soon.  (She’s already had two plays produced in Seattle and several short stories appear in notable magazines/newspapers.)

So what IS D&D already?

I’ll quote from Shelly’s text:
“In a D&D game, players are typically part of a team united in an effort to achieve a common goal.  It’s like this: a group of people sits around a table, similar to how they would sit if they were scrapbooking or eating Chinese food or planning the neighborhood’s next blog party.  The Dungeon Master…weaves the tale, which includes various entry points where the player characters must decide on an action.  After a lot of dice rolling … players take turns controlling the fate of their characters … until victory or defeat has been accomplished.  Then the story continues.  It’s essentially cooperative storytelling around the table.”

OK, might not SOUND exciting right off the bat—this is probably the driest passage in the entire book—but it is exciting.  Read the whole book.

I was actually familiar with “Confessions…” long before I knew that Shelly was from Binghamton; the fact that she turned out to be from the Southern Tier was just a perfect opportunity to discuss my childhood dork obsession on this blog.

And to continue to spread the gospel that role-playing ISN’T just for dorks.

Shelly (otherwise known as 134-year-old sorceress Astrid Bellagio) took a few moments away from slaying orcs and taking names to answer a few questions about “Confesssions”.

Being that you grew up in Binghamton—which, let’s face it, is IBM geek central—there must have been a bunch of little geek-spawn D&D players around. Any memories of what the scene was like in Binghamton?
Sadly I came into my geekdom late in life so if there were any geek-spawn pockets of D&D players around, my Sweet Valley High reading, soap opera watching, Duran Duran listening self was probably making fun of them. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s true because a friend I reconnected with on Facebook told me I made fun of him for playing when he discovered where I work and what I’ve been up to. Please allow the 9 year old me to publicly apologize to the 9 year old Dave. Maybe everything I’m doing now is really just my way of repenting.

As a self-proclaimed “pedicure, facial, and microderm abrasion” girly-girl, how did you end up working at the home of Dungeons and Dragons?
I know, right? Seems like the last place I’d end up or even know existed. I’ve been at Wizards of the Coast for over 10 years and have loved every one of them. It’s a creative, passionate, fun company. We have to have fun—we’re a game company!

I found the job listing in the newspaper of all places. The company name wasn’t listed, nor was what they did. It was just an ad for  “promotions coordinator” and I happened to have lots of promotions experience. About 3 minutes into my interview I knew I wanted to work there. Fortunately I was hired as Promotions Coordinator for Magic: The Gathering. Trading card games were totally new to me. I didn’t have cards that attacked each other or could cast magical spells on my opponent when I grew up. I had Hungry, Hungry Hippo and Operation! But if there’s one thing consistent about all gamers it’s that they love to teach so I learned pretty quickly.

I always feel like a person’s D&D character says something about them as a person (duh). What does your 134 year-old elven sorceress say about you?
Oh my beloved Astrid… Well, she was my first D&D character and I think I treated her the way a lot of new parents treat their first child. I was absolutely paranoid that she would die so I didn’t really let her get too involved in combat. Fortunately she was a sorceress and wasn’t expected to get up close and personal with the bad guys.

Astrid is the epitome of my girly side. Discovering how much I loved the game, and how outside the stereotype of a typical game I was, only heightened Astrid’s uber-feminine side. In a way I was using her to break down stereotypes. Don’t get me wrong—we are a lot alike. I do love shopping so I made sure she was always outfitted in the best designer adventuring gear—Balenciago Bag of Holding, Jimmy Choo Boots of Speed. She hated fighting animals—even if they were beating the tar out of her party. She was always friendly and optimistic and studious.

I’m much more lax with my current character, Tabitha Sparkles (tiefling wizard), much the same way parents are with their second child.(I’m the second child so I speak from experience.) Tabitha is intentionally the polar opposite of Astrid. I didn’t want to get attached to her—or at least not that attached to — so I made her bitter and antisocial and impetuous. I discovered that D&D characters are a much more resilient than I thought and I’ll gladly sacrifice a few hit points in exchange for the excitement of being in the middle of a fight with a bunch of bug bears.

We know what the average guy gets out of gaming—fighting stuff, winning stuff, getting the girl, etc. If you had to sum up your book in, oh I don’t know 15 words, what’s the “girl appeal” of D&D?
Socializing, imagining, creating stories, looking out for your friends and eating and drinking a lot.

In your book, you list off a few “closet gamers”. Anybody that really surprised you—or somebody who you found out about after the book came out?
The last celebrity I heard about that surprised me was Eliza Dushku who said (via Twitter) something along the lines that she was raised on D&D.

Knowing what I know about D&D and the people who are attracted to it, I’m not usually surprised to find out someone in a creative field plays or played it. D&D is such an imaginative game that has often been credited for helping to hone creative writing, storytelling and character building skills which lends itself perfectly to anyone hoping to land a job in television or film. In fact, one writer from a television show said D&D was like a “secret handshake in Hollywood.” Like if you are in a meeting and make an obscure D&D reference and someone across the table laughs, it’s an instant connection.

OK, so in my extensive research in advance of this interview (reading the first 13 pages of your book and looking at your Facebook profile), I haven’t yet discovered how your girlfriends reacted to your gaming habits—or the book. Could they relate? Did you convert any of them?
Well, they know where I work so they’re used to the stories from around the office, but still a few were surprised that I started playing D&D—willingly. At first I got a lot of “That game is still around?” and then a lot of “They make you play that? How sad.” I had to do a bit of convincing to make them realize I wasn’t being forced to play D&D—I really liked it.

I wanted them to try it at least once so they could see what the game was really about. Everybody has these weird misconceptions about what goes on in a D&D game (strange accents, costumes, teenage boys in basements.) You can do all of those things if that’s what you’re into but you don’t have to.  I’m sure that if more people realized that D&D can be played at a dining room table in the home of an investment banker by men and women in jeans and button downs they might be more inclined to try it.

I didn’t convert any of my girlfriends (yet) but they had way more fun than they thought they would. And they have a new understanding for what the game is and the people who enjoy it which is a huge part of what I was trying to accomplish with Confessions.

Every gaming guy WISHES his girlfriend GOT Dungeons and Dragons… or Worlds of Warcraft… or Quake 4. And you do. Which begs the somewhat personal question… do you get hit on a lot at industry events? (And no, this is not me hitting on you.)
Aw, how disappointing! To be honest, I’m not the most perceptive when it comes to deciphering the difference between friendly chatter and flirting. I do go to a lot of industry conventions and I have the pleasure of meeting a lot of D&D players. What I get a lot of is people telling me about their characters. Maybe that’s their way of hitting on me?

Astrid on the other hand used to get hit on all the time. I’d actually get email that said “For Astrid” or “Please pass this on to Astrid.” I was never very sure how to respond to those.

Beyond the world of Wizards of the Coast for a second… what are you writing? What’s next from Shelly Mazzanoble?
Beyond the world of Wizards of the Coast, I have a collection of short stories that have been horribly neglected on my hard drive but I still pretend I’ll get back to work on. I also have a non-fiction work in progress about my mom because she’s such a funny person and should have a book about her. If I don’t write it someone else will.

Within the world of Wizards I have been writing a monthly column for Dragon Magazine called Confessions of a Full-Time Wizard and I’ll continue to do that as long as the editors let me. If you’re looking for some crunch with your coffee then this column is not for you. I like to write about the social aspects of D&D like what happens when members of your group quit or move away and you have to replace them or the terror I felt when my boss forced me to DM for a group of new players around the office. Bosses get away with that stuff at Wizards.

You can read Shelly’s monthly D&D column online here. And if your now prepared to get your geek on with the rest of us, you can begin your journey at Jupiter Games in Vestal or Fat Cat Books in Johnson City—they’ve got just about everything you need.  Godspeed.

Dog people hate me.

And it’s not because I hate dogs.  It’s just because I think of them as cuddly chickens.  That don’t taste as good.  But if they did, I might eat them.

OK, OK, it’s not true.  I had a dog growing up.  It had a name and everything.  And I never once ate it.

I just don’t sentimentalize animals in the same way that I sentimentalize, oh I don’t know, ACTUAL PEOPLE.  Except cats.  I’m pretty sure I’d choose a cat over some of my family members.  Plus they pee INSIDE the house.  Which I totally respect.  Because being able to relieve yourself without a chaperone is an important life skill.

I have dogs on the brain, I should tell you, because I’m MCing the Southern Tier AIDS Program’s “Doggone Fun on the Run” this Saturday at Otsiningo Park.  (Here’s hoping I’m not relieved of my hosting duties as a result of this blog entry.)

Despite my aversion to overly sentimentalizing animals, this event is, well, undeniably adorable.

In addition to a 2-mile dog walk and K-9 demonstration, the dogs will play “musical mats”—which is basically musical chairs without the chairs.  Because apparently dogs can’t sit on chairs.  (Which cats can, BTW.  Just another reason to love them more.  Sorry, dog people.)

And the most interesting (bizarre? creative? fun?) event of the day will be this: dogs painting abstract art.

Yes, I’ll type that again, slower this time so you can be sure you read it correctly:
DOGS. PAINTING. ABSTRACT. ART.

I. Love. This. Sh*t.  Because it’s the sort of stunt you’d dream up if you were either (A) drunk after a game of flip cup while playing with the fraternity dog at 3 AM or (B) a pretentious Manhattanite artist trying to figure out what to put on a canvas while high on crystal meth at 3 AM.

Mary Kaminsky is neither of the two, but don’t let anyone tell you that she isn’t as creative.

Mary, the Development Director of STAP, has recruited Jen O’Brian, director of the Magic Paintbrush Project, to help with the painting of the canvases by the canines.  If you’re not familiar with MPBP, they do great work with special needs families and art projects.

And this whole thing is doubly convenient for Jen because she sees the doggie painting experiment as a precursor to new and exciting projects at her own organization.

I ripped Jen away from experimental art for just a few minutes so she could answer a few questions about this Saturday’s event…

OK, so how did this whole doggy painting idea thing come about?
Mary Kaminsky sent me a note asking if it were possible to paint with dogs.  We have included dogs in our workshops with special needs families as often there are companion animals.  It is not uncommon for a special needs individual to have a helper or companion animal.  So we have been developing ways to include the animals in our workshops.  We started paint with companion/assist dogs about two years ago.  So when Mary asked if it were possible.. I said "Sure!"

Be honest: do we really think you’ll be able to tell the difference between these doggy paintings and abstract art painted by actual human beings?
I’m not one to compare abstract art to the pieces that are created in our workshop.  They are created out of an entirely different process.  I’m not sure it’s fair to compare.  Our workshop focuses on family engagement and the interactions and processes that lend a creative edge to helping special needs individuals achieve their goals with their families. Abstract Artists go through an entirely different creative process.  But in this case, the paint captures the moment and the movement of the companions.  And that is what is special about The Doggone Fun and the Doggie DaVinci Project.

I’m assuming this paint is… uh… non-toxic?
Of course! Actually we have our own line of paint,  Life Is Washable! Paint.  We have a proprietary line of paint which is blended in Pennsylvania.  It’s non toxic, washable and glittery too!  so there is NO question - it is entirely safe!

I know this event is a “practice session” for other projects you’re working on.  What’s the master plan?
We are developing new workshop activities that will support individuals with developmental disabilities.  We wanted to create a workshop activity that included companion animals.   As I said before we have painted with companion dogs before, but we needed to work on how different breeds and animals were able to navigate their sensory issues with the paint and workshop.   SO when Mary asked.. it was a great time to test our some of our new activities.
 
As far as the master plan for The Magic Paintbrush Project.  We have served over 10,000 individuals since starting three years ago in over 900 workshops.  We have just expanded with our first license, so we now serve  the Hudson Valley area along with a large portion of Central New York.  Our plan is to expand our service to other areas in the state and region.  We are the only known program of this type in the US.  We are very excited about our growth and potential.

Will each doggy paint its own masterpiece, or is this a group project?
Both!  We will be creating a banner for STAP and also providing an opportunity for each puppy to paint.  As in our regular workshops, it will be tailored to the needs of each family.  I am sure the results will be interesting.  For those not wanting to paint - we will have an activity which you can still participate in.

OK, so how much do you think we could sell these things for in a gallery if we just hung them up on First Friday and didn’t tell anybody they were made by dogs?
I’ll leave that question to the galleries…  they do a great job in showcasing our wonderful artist community.  We are really lucky to have such a vibrant event each month as First Friday!  I think the buyers of art would want to know who it was created by and how.. that’s part of the story! For many, memories of our puppies are priceless, so a painting made by your four legged family, maybe worth more to you.  The paint captures the laughter, the wags, the moment… I’m not sure you can put a price tag on that. And the opportunity to refine and work on our companion animal inclusion is a golden opportunity for The Magic Paintbrush Project.

Do people need to, uh, prepare their dogs for this Saturday in any way?
I have a feeling that the humans will need more encouragement that the dogs.  Come prepared with a happy and encouraging word.  We’ll have a bit of magic ready for the dogs.. and it will be fun.  Raising a dog is based on trust.  Trust me this will be worth it.

Yes, yes, being the home to IBM, one of the most famous computer companies on the planet is nice.  Having Lockhead Martin, the world’s largest defense contractor, in our backyard might bring some notoriety.  But what I’ve often said—and what has just as often fallen on deaf ears—is that what the Southern Tier really needs to be restored to its full glory is for somebody right here in Binghamton to break a Guinness World Record.  So we end up listed in the Guinness Book. Seriously.

And not one of the more useful or interesting records: world’s oldest man, world’s tallest building, world’s smallest microchip—nobody but eggheads really care about those.  We’re talking one of the really eccentric ones, so we can have our own Trivial Pursuit question or page in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader: world’s chewiest potato pancake, world’s tallest freestanding badminton net, world’s trendiest tea cozy.  Now we’re talkin.

So when I found out what the Binghamton Mets are planning to do this Friday night, I was positively giddy with the sort of girlish delight that they won’t even allow inside a professional sports stadium.  Even a Double-A affiliate sports stadium.

This Friday, between phases of the Toyota Double Grand Finale Labor Day Weekend Fireworks Kick-off Extravaganza Festival of Pyrotechnic Wonder (I think that’s what it’s called), NYSEG Stadium will attempt to break the world record for the most number of human beings simultaneously howling at the moon.

PS: It’s a full moon that night.  Which should make things easier.  Harder.  Easier.  I’m not really sure which.

In any case, I started to wonder exactly how many howling individuals you could stick inside NYSEG Stadium on a Friday night.  According to Wikipedia, the stadium itself seats 6,012.  So the question then becomes: what exactly is the CURRENT world record for most number of human being simultaneously howling at the moon?

Sadly, a search at http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/ yielded no results.  Leading me to believe that there is no current record for most number of people howling at the moon.  Leading me to believe that I could break the record right here, right now, in my bedroom, alone.

There, I just did it.  Send me my damn trophy.  Or certificate of appreciation.  Or screen-printed t-shirt.

Clearly, I have to broaden my search.  A Google query yielded two interesting results:

1. On September 7th of 2007, an organization in Sydney, Australia called “Bums for Bush” attempted to break the word’s record for most number of people bearing their asses in protest.  “Mooning”.  Not exactly what I was looking for, but that’s why Google searches are so much fun.  You never know what irrelevant yet delightful facts will result.  Only 50 people showed up for the protest.  Nice try, @ssholes.

Get it?  Nice try, @ssholes?  Cause they were mooning?  Get it?  I know, I know, you got it.  It just wasn’t funny.  *sigh*

2. On October 26th, 2009, a web site called http://www.moonhowlevent.com/ will attempt to organize a giant Planet Wide Moon Howl.  You’re supposed to do this at 9 o’clock in your own local time.  Think of it as a giant planetary stadium wave of howls, one time zone after the next.  The web site suggests that you organize “howl parties”, “howl with somebody special”, or just (and I think this is probably the point of the whole campaign) buy the organic fitted men’s t-shirt at CafePress.com for the low, low price of 24.99.

PS: According to their own counter, only 371 people have visited the web site.  Which if you ask me is a pretty lame planetary howl.  Not to mention a pretty lame t-shirt marketing campaign.

The bottom line is, I don’t know whether or not the Binghamton Mets will be successful in their mission to break the world record for the world’s largest group howl.  I don’t even know what success would be.  I don’t even know if the term “success” should be applied to such a venture.  Yet I still salute the BMets for trying.  It’s nice to have a dream.  Even if the dream involves getting people so plastered on $3 beers that they participate in an activity that will cause them to spend the entire next day untagging embarrassing photos of themselves on Facebook.

Sounds like my kinda party.

Bottoms up.

Barack Obama vs. John McCain: Historical election my ass.

Oh no!  A lame pun!  And it wasn’t even on purpose.  *sigh*

In Rabbit Hash, KY, you actually CAN vote for an ass this week!  A donkey is running for mayor.  Now THAT’S historical.  And dumb.

For those of you who aren’t lame enough to know about Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, it’s famous for just a few reasons: it’s named that way because the people who used to live there ate rabbits, it’s got one of the oldest and best preserved “General Stores” in Kentucky, and it’s not a real town.  Oh right, and in 1998 they elected a dog mayor.  Then again in 2004.

Now the dog’s dead.  Sad.

And they’ve decided to elect a new mayor.  Maybe they should’ve had a deputy in the first place.

You can vote for 1 of 13 dogs, a cat, a donkey, or a human.  What’s it say about the human that the cat’s in the lead?

Up until today, anybody willing to pony up a dollar donation to the fake town’s historical society could vote.  On election day, it’s confined to only townspeople.  Which could number anywhere from 4 to 40, depending on where you decide to put the fake borders.

God Bless America.  And check out Rabbit Hash’s web site.
 

Now I don’t know if the DOGS have any idea what’s going on.

This Saturday at 10 AM, the dogs will begin to gather at Otsiningo Park–it’s all part of a STAP fundraiser.  Once they’ve all arrived, they’ll go on a 2-mile dog walk, watch other dogs do fantastic stunts, and then, yes, play "doggie musical mats".

I’ll be hosting the event.  Now I’ve never run a game of doggie musical chairs before, but I imagine it’ll be a lot of trying to get dogs to sit still on mats every time the music stops even though they’d rather run off and hump each other.  But I’m game to try just about anything.

Anyway, if you’ve got a dog, bring ‘em.  Outback is serving (human) food and Starbucks is serving (human) coffee.