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OK, Binghamton, we have a problem.  And it’s lame people who plan on staying home New Years Eve.

Yeah, lame people, I’m talking to you.  Not sure that you’re one of the lame people?  I’ve got a little “Lame People Quiz” that you can self-administer find out if you’re one of the lame-o’s..  Think back of over the past month and try to remember if you ever found yourself saying one of the following things in response to a New Years Eve invitation:  “I actually did the party thing for so many years and I’m kinda tired of it.  I’ll prolly turn in early this time around so I can get a nice early start to 2010—maybe even go for a jog!”  Or how bout this piece of crap: “I just want to snuggle up next to the fire with a good book and watch the ball drop on TV.  That Ryan Seacreast: he’s so dreamy.  Not as dreamy as Dick Clarke, but he’ll do.”  Or even worse: “I like spending New Years with the one I love, swaying softly back and forth to the sounds of Norah Jones, enjoying each others company until, sleepy from that quarter bottle of Korbel champagne we daintily sipped together, our eyelids grow heavy and we begin to pass out on the sofa in each other’s arms, quietly whispering sweet nothings into each others ears.”

OK, quiz is over.  If you found yourself saying one of the above phrases or anything even vaguely similar over the last month, it means that you’re one of the lame people.  Get your s&*t together, because you’re going out in Binghamton on New Years Eve and you’re going to like it.  Don’t make me come over there.

Why am I so passionate about getting people out of their homes on New Years Eve?

Well for two reasons, really.  First of all, New Years is the one holiday we can all actually agree to celebrate together.  Because it has no religious significance.  No political implications.  No historical importance.  Just the celebration of one second ending and another one beginning—one that just happens to mark the beginning of a new year.  Much ado about nothing, really.  Like all of humanity decided to simultaneously throw its hands into the air with irrational glee and proclaim, “Christ, look at how many 2010 wall calendars we sold at a 50% discount!  Let’s go get smashed to celebrate!”

And smashed we will all get.

Well, not ALL of us—it just so happens that getting smashed is my activity of choice.  But there’s ANOTHER big reason to be excited about New Years in Downtown Binghamton: First Night.

The good people of Southern Tier Celebrates have created a ridiculously packed schedule of events for First Night Binghamton 2010.  If you haven’t bought your button yet, they’re stupidly cheap: 12 bucks.  Go to http://stcelebrates.org to see all the stuff you get to do for 12 bucks.  When I say stupidly cheap, I mean it.  You could pay more than 12 dollars for 2 Venti Lattes at Starbucks.  Or you could just buy a First Night Button and get 8 hours worth of entertainment.  You choose.  And don’t be lame.  Lattes will just make you fat.  Even the ones with skim milk.  170 calories per cup.  I just looked it up.

(And PS, if you ARE going to pick the lattes over the fun, you should at least buy a local latte—Java Joe’s [which is open till 11 PM on New Years Eve] or L’Aveggio Roasteria.)

OK, now that I’ve used my irresistible powers of persuasion to convince you to be less lame, I’m sure you’re wondering where to start being less lame.

Well don’t panic; I was prepared for this eventuality… crossing from the land of the lame to the place where the rest of us live requires a wee bit of guidance.  And that’s why I have authored the following guide:

“BingPop’s Guide on How Not To Be Lame on New Years Eve in Downtown Binghamton”

Don’t send thanks.  Just send cash.

Now I’ve divided the guide into two parts.  Part 1 is a small selection of official First Night that I recommend for beginners—follow my lead; you’ll be sure to have a good time AND avoid any clunkers.  Part 2 is a list of First Night hangers-on-ers; they’re not official events, but rather really hot venues that are throwing their own New Years parties at the same time as First Night.  In celebration of it being 2010, I’ve invited the promoters of each of these events to explain why they’re throwing the hottest party around—using exactly 10 words—no more, no less.  (I get my warm and fuzzies by asking people to do strange things for free press.)

PART 1
OFFICIAL STUFF TO DO THAT DOESN’T SUCK

People Lighting S*#t on Fire at Midnight
Otherwise known as the Binghamton Bonfire
12:00 Behind the BC Arena
(As described my Larry Kassan, Twilight Zone Expert, Avid Playbill Collector, and Area Culture Geek)
What better way to say good bye to 2009 and hello to 2010 than by attending the First Night Binghamton Bonfire. Held behind the BC Arena at the culmination of the evening’s festivities, the fire (lit by our brave Binghamton Firefighters, "the one time each year they get to start a fire!") is a great way to warm up, cuddle with your friends … or complete strangers, and welcome in the New Year! And best yet, ya don’t need a button to take part! This year there will be a (pardon the pun) smokin’ live band and at midnight, as the State Office Building countdown goes dark floor by floor, the New Year will be welcomed by what used to be called a GIANT (now Weiss) firework display that will light up the night sky!

People Banging Loudly on S*#t to Wake Up the Neighbors
Otherwise known as the Djembe Drum Circle
5:15 at the Binghamton HS Commons
(As described by Rob Wandell, Owner of Imagicka, Otherwise Known As that Guy With the Really Long Curly Hair Who’s Always Banging on African Drums)
Djembe Drum Circle will run an interactive drum class geared for beginners.  Learn the basics and one or two West African rhythms.  The style that he’ll be teaching has roots in Guinea and the Ivory Coast.  It’s relaxing and energizing all at the same time.  “Like taking an acoustic shower.  You’ll come out refreshed, like ‘ahhh’.  We’ll also be part of the Merry Maker’s March, so if you miss the class, you can see us there.”  The Djembe class is full of basic rhythms and therefore perfect for all ages.

People Running Around in a Hamster Ball To Play a Video Game That’s Like 100 Times Better Than Nintendo Wii
Otherwise known as the VirtuSphere Demonstration
5:00 at the Binghamton HS Small Gym
(As described by Jim DiMascio, COO of VirtuSphere, or, as I like to call him, Lord of the Hamster Ball)
Virtusphere is a virtual reality locomotion simulator. The hardware set consists of a hollow sphere, which is placed on a special platform that allows the sphere to rotate freely in any direction according to the user’s steps. First Night attendees will be able to get inside Virtusphere and experience a virtual tour of the historic village of Lavra, Russia by transmitting the virtual enviroment to the wireless head mounted display, attendess will move freely through out the Lavra virtual envirotment creating the most immersive virtual experience. Virtusphere is going to revolutionize virtual reality entertainment which includes allowing people to play inside the favorite games, providing virtual tours for education, museums, fitness and architectural walk through.

World-Renown People Running Around Doing Funny Dances That Will Blow You Away
Otherwise Known as Galumpha
9:45 at the Broome County Forum
(As described by Andy Horowitz, President in the Land of Galumpha. And the most flexible guy I’ve ever talked to over e-mail.)
Galumpha combines acrobatics, striking visual effects, physical comedy and inventive choreography to bring to life a world of imagination, beauty, muscle and merriment. The three performers create a sensory feast of images, drawn together into a seamless whole, consistently bringing audiences to their feet. Galumpha is a triumphant mix of art and entertainment, offering award-winning choreography (Edinburgh Festival Critics Choice Award, Moers International Comedy Arts Prize) at venues throughout the world.  For First Night Galumpha will perform two, 45-minute sets at the Forum Theater in downtown Binghamton at 8:30 and 9:45 PM.  The first set will open with a world premier choreographed and performed by children who participated in last summer’s Galumpha Gang intensive acrobatic dance workshop.  These 20 brave artists will dazzle their audience with creativity and acrobatic prowess.  Following the children’s presentation, the three Galumpha performers will take the stage and finish out the set.  What does Galumpha really do?  Well, we guarantee this:  You will see ways in which one human being can lift another two off the ground that you have never, ever seen before!

Crazy People Hacking up Ice with Chain Saws
Otherwise known as the Ice Sculpting Competition
7:00 at the Broome County Courthouse Lawn
(As described by me, from what I’m reading in the First Night Booklet)
OK, details were a little sketchy on this one, but I’m still recommending it—mainly because it involves a chainsaw.  I think we can all agree that chainsaws on the lawn of the Courthouse Building sound like a fun event, no?  The folks behind this demonstration are the same ones that did ice sculpting in front of a meager audience of onlookers during the rainy-day Communiversityfest.  They’re called “Iceography” and they had a whole mess of talent.  But I should warn you from past experience:  There’s nothing FAST about an ice-sculpting competition.  It’s a group of four people.  Slooooowly making art.  All the same time.  (With a chainsaw.)  Not fast, but beautiful.  And I secretly want to lick the sculptures when they’re done to see if my tongue will stick.

But I’m afraid of the chainsaws.

PART 2
UNOFFICIAL STUFF TO DO THAT EXTRA-DOESN’T SUCK

Now, because it’s going to be 2010, and because I’m a bit weird, I asked the promoters at some of my very favorite Bingo venues to explain in EXACTLY 10 words why they were throwing the hottest New Years Eve parties in the Southern Tier.  As you’ll see, many cheated, through the cunning use of dashes, slashes, and ampersands.  *sigh* Ain’t there no decency left?

Here they are (In alphabetical order.  Because it seemed fairest.  Most fair.  Whatever):

Antonio’s Galleria & Cafe (way out in Endicott…  I know, Endicott!)
Upscale, classy, complimentary champagne, live DJ, outstanding martinis & GELATO!

Cyber Café West
Hottest? Coolest definitely. Monkeys Typing, Chilled Champagne, Funny Hats! Rocking!

The Kilmer Brasserie
Hats & Noisemakers. Champagne Toast. Balloon Drop. Great Music. No Clean-up!

Merlins
Katrina as Dick Clark. All-night liquor. Free Champagne-Toast & Noisemakers.

Southern Tier Young Professionals Dinner Party
Fantastic french buffet with wine, 8pm - 10pm, dress to impress.

Tranquil
Eclectic music! JoshuaB. Free Hors d’oeuvres. Champagne! We mention d’oeuvres?

Yes, it’s true!  I’ll be DJing at Tranquil on New Years Eve.  I like to think I saved the best for last, but you decide for yourself which is best.  Oh, and one last little event I’ll be a part of:  “The Official First Night Mini Countdown”.  You can find it in the Forum starting at 9:30 PM.  The idea is pretty adorable:  Bring the kids, pretend it’s midnight, count backwards from 10, everybody gets to scream and shout, and then you can shuttle them off to bed with a babysitter so you can go back out and do it all over again for the real thing.  OK, maybe they’re not ACTUALLY encouraging you to lie to your children, but that’s what I’d do.  It’d midnight SOMEWHERE in the world at 9:30 PM.  Isn’t it?

Anyway, I’ll see you out on New Years Eve.  And don’t think you can get out of this thing now.  You’ve read the ENTIRE story—and that means you’re committed to the party.  I’ve saved  your IP Address and you’re being tracked.  Don’t think you can use the Internet on New Years Eve without me knowing.  And I have access to ice-sculpting chain saws.

Dog people hate me.

And it’s not because I hate dogs.  It’s just because I think of them as cuddly chickens.  That don’t taste as good.  But if they did, I might eat them.

OK, OK, it’s not true.  I had a dog growing up.  It had a name and everything.  And I never once ate it.

I just don’t sentimentalize animals in the same way that I sentimentalize, oh I don’t know, ACTUAL PEOPLE.  Except cats.  I’m pretty sure I’d choose a cat over some of my family members.  Plus they pee INSIDE the house.  Which I totally respect.  Because being able to relieve yourself without a chaperone is an important life skill.

I have dogs on the brain, I should tell you, because I’m MCing the Southern Tier AIDS Program’s “Doggone Fun on the Run” this Saturday at Otsiningo Park.  (Here’s hoping I’m not relieved of my hosting duties as a result of this blog entry.)

Despite my aversion to overly sentimentalizing animals, this event is, well, undeniably adorable.

In addition to a 2-mile dog walk and K-9 demonstration, the dogs will play “musical mats”—which is basically musical chairs without the chairs.  Because apparently dogs can’t sit on chairs.  (Which cats can, BTW.  Just another reason to love them more.  Sorry, dog people.)

And the most interesting (bizarre? creative? fun?) event of the day will be this: dogs painting abstract art.

Yes, I’ll type that again, slower this time so you can be sure you read it correctly:
DOGS. PAINTING. ABSTRACT. ART.

I. Love. This. Sh*t.  Because it’s the sort of stunt you’d dream up if you were either (A) drunk after a game of flip cup while playing with the fraternity dog at 3 AM or (B) a pretentious Manhattanite artist trying to figure out what to put on a canvas while high on crystal meth at 3 AM.

Mary Kaminsky is neither of the two, but don’t let anyone tell you that she isn’t as creative.

Mary, the Development Director of STAP, has recruited Jen O’Brian, director of the Magic Paintbrush Project, to help with the painting of the canvases by the canines.  If you’re not familiar with MPBP, they do great work with special needs families and art projects.

And this whole thing is doubly convenient for Jen because she sees the doggie painting experiment as a precursor to new and exciting projects at her own organization.

I ripped Jen away from experimental art for just a few minutes so she could answer a few questions about this Saturday’s event…

OK, so how did this whole doggy painting idea thing come about?
Mary Kaminsky sent me a note asking if it were possible to paint with dogs.  We have included dogs in our workshops with special needs families as often there are companion animals.  It is not uncommon for a special needs individual to have a helper or companion animal.  So we have been developing ways to include the animals in our workshops.  We started paint with companion/assist dogs about two years ago.  So when Mary asked if it were possible.. I said "Sure!"

Be honest: do we really think you’ll be able to tell the difference between these doggy paintings and abstract art painted by actual human beings?
I’m not one to compare abstract art to the pieces that are created in our workshop.  They are created out of an entirely different process.  I’m not sure it’s fair to compare.  Our workshop focuses on family engagement and the interactions and processes that lend a creative edge to helping special needs individuals achieve their goals with their families. Abstract Artists go through an entirely different creative process.  But in this case, the paint captures the moment and the movement of the companions.  And that is what is special about The Doggone Fun and the Doggie DaVinci Project.

I’m assuming this paint is… uh… non-toxic?
Of course! Actually we have our own line of paint,  Life Is Washable! Paint.  We have a proprietary line of paint which is blended in Pennsylvania.  It’s non toxic, washable and glittery too!  so there is NO question - it is entirely safe!

I know this event is a “practice session” for other projects you’re working on.  What’s the master plan?
We are developing new workshop activities that will support individuals with developmental disabilities.  We wanted to create a workshop activity that included companion animals.   As I said before we have painted with companion dogs before, but we needed to work on how different breeds and animals were able to navigate their sensory issues with the paint and workshop.   SO when Mary asked.. it was a great time to test our some of our new activities.
 
As far as the master plan for The Magic Paintbrush Project.  We have served over 10,000 individuals since starting three years ago in over 900 workshops.  We have just expanded with our first license, so we now serve  the Hudson Valley area along with a large portion of Central New York.  Our plan is to expand our service to other areas in the state and region.  We are the only known program of this type in the US.  We are very excited about our growth and potential.

Will each doggy paint its own masterpiece, or is this a group project?
Both!  We will be creating a banner for STAP and also providing an opportunity for each puppy to paint.  As in our regular workshops, it will be tailored to the needs of each family.  I am sure the results will be interesting.  For those not wanting to paint - we will have an activity which you can still participate in.

OK, so how much do you think we could sell these things for in a gallery if we just hung them up on First Friday and didn’t tell anybody they were made by dogs?
I’ll leave that question to the galleries…  they do a great job in showcasing our wonderful artist community.  We are really lucky to have such a vibrant event each month as First Friday!  I think the buyers of art would want to know who it was created by and how.. that’s part of the story! For many, memories of our puppies are priceless, so a painting made by your four legged family, maybe worth more to you.  The paint captures the laughter, the wags, the moment… I’m not sure you can put a price tag on that. And the opportunity to refine and work on our companion animal inclusion is a golden opportunity for The Magic Paintbrush Project.

Do people need to, uh, prepare their dogs for this Saturday in any way?
I have a feeling that the humans will need more encouragement that the dogs.  Come prepared with a happy and encouraging word.  We’ll have a bit of magic ready for the dogs.. and it will be fun.  Raising a dog is based on trust.  Trust me this will be worth it.