It’s true, Southern Tier, you COULD get ahead in these crappy economic times through hard work, dedication, loyalty, and a can-do spirit.

But seriously, who needs that?  Just fake it.

Take one Jill Hull, a postal carrier from Livingston County, Michigan.  She’s got this s&#t down.

Overwhelmed by the workload, and apparently frightened that she might miss the first five minutes of American Idol, did what any of us might have done to avoid missing even a moment of that dreamy Ryan Seacrest:

She rented a storage unit and DUMPED the undelivered mail inside.

And she would have gotten away with it too, if not for those darned kids.  Well, the postal investigator.  Who only caught up with her because she stopped paying the bill on the storage unit.  She had planned to catch up on the unpaid bill and hide the letters “UNTIL SHE DIED”.

Last March, the Postal Service sent out a memo REMINDING their employees that “you don’t have to be a genius to know” that stealing mail is a crime.  On the side of the memo? A picture of Albert Einstein.  As if the postal service was concerned that without the picture, some of their employees would have to look up the word “genius”.  Because the reminder wasn’t demeaning enough.

God, there’s a lot of really awful crap on YouTube.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  There’s a couple of diamonds too.   Like Bo Burnham’s “My Whole Family Thinks I’m Gay” and the brilliant (if you’re a huuuuuge sci-fi geek) Chad Vader series.

But as for Binghamton, the choices don’t exactly match up.  This guy took a video of somebody dancing in front of Video King and gave it a classical soundtrack; this other kid recast Borat as a Binghamton story; and the BU Binghamtonics shot a video claiming that Kennedy’s Fried Chicken is the finest cuisine in Binghamton.  Cute; fun to pass to your buddies; not viral quality.

But here’s what I propose.  The London Symphony Orchestra just announced that they’re building a YouTube Symphony Orchestra to perform live at Carnegie Hall in 09.  Now if Bingo’s got anything, it’s got musicians.  Some of them are even talented.  The Bingo Philharmonic, the Tri-Cities Opera, a tooooooon of coffeeshop acoustic rockers.

All you have to do is create a vid of yourself performing the song that’s been written for the competition.  How cool would it be if we had a kick-ass submission from Bing.  Now the way I see it, you’ve got two choices.  One, you could be really friggin good.  But how likely is that, really.  Then there’s choice number 2—what I like to call the “American Idol” strategy—you create an audition tape that’s so phenomenally bad, you’re immediately rocketed to worldwide viral video fame, piggy-backed on the popularity of this competition.

Go forth and YouTube.

And btw, for those of you who’ve been asking me for advice on party/restaurant/club promotions, try YouTube.  The latest trend in party promotions are “video flyers”.  Check this one out from a DJ in NYC (OFFENSIVE, if you don’t have a sense of humor.)  Be clever, be creative, and send us your best Binghamton YouTube vids.

Sometimes celebrity goes horribly wrong.  People become uber-famous, and then act like whack-jobs till everybody forgets who they are.  Robert Pattinson is the new star of “Twilight”.  Teen girls and sex-crazed cougars are in serious lust with him.  Then, the guy goes on Leno and announces that he doesn’t wash his hair or groom himself.

Abuse of fame.  Stop it.

Another example: Tricia Walsh Smith.  She became uber-famous by setting a new trend: publically embarrassing her ridiculously rich husband Philip Smith with a viral video during their divorce.

OK, clever, clever girl.

Then she gets even more famous when she has to respond to KATHY LEE GIFFORD TALKING CRAP about her on national TV.

Now she’s gone off the deep end.  Fame DOES NOT equal talent, Tricia Walsh!  She’s recorded a music video.  Be horrified by the results below:

So let’s review.  Humiliating your ex in front of the entire world with a viral video: good.  Following it up with a tremendously crappy music video called “I’ve Gone Bonkers”:  very, very, very bad.