OK, Binghamton, we have a problem.  And it’s lame people who plan on staying home New Years Eve.

Yeah, lame people, I’m talking to you.  Not sure that you’re one of the lame people?  I’ve got a little “Lame People Quiz” that you can self-administer find out if you’re one of the lame-o’s..  Think back of over the past month and try to remember if you ever found yourself saying one of the following things in response to a New Years Eve invitation:  “I actually did the party thing for so many years and I’m kinda tired of it.  I’ll prolly turn in early this time around so I can get a nice early start to 2010—maybe even go for a jog!”  Or how bout this piece of crap: “I just want to snuggle up next to the fire with a good book and watch the ball drop on TV.  That Ryan Seacreast: he’s so dreamy.  Not as dreamy as Dick Clarke, but he’ll do.”  Or even worse: “I like spending New Years with the one I love, swaying softly back and forth to the sounds of Norah Jones, enjoying each others company until, sleepy from that quarter bottle of Korbel champagne we daintily sipped together, our eyelids grow heavy and we begin to pass out on the sofa in each other’s arms, quietly whispering sweet nothings into each others ears.”

OK, quiz is over.  If you found yourself saying one of the above phrases or anything even vaguely similar over the last month, it means that you’re one of the lame people.  Get your s&*t together, because you’re going out in Binghamton on New Years Eve and you’re going to like it.  Don’t make me come over there.

Why am I so passionate about getting people out of their homes on New Years Eve?

Well for two reasons, really.  First of all, New Years is the one holiday we can all actually agree to celebrate together.  Because it has no religious significance.  No political implications.  No historical importance.  Just the celebration of one second ending and another one beginning—one that just happens to mark the beginning of a new year.  Much ado about nothing, really.  Like all of humanity decided to simultaneously throw its hands into the air with irrational glee and proclaim, “Christ, look at how many 2010 wall calendars we sold at a 50% discount!  Let’s go get smashed to celebrate!”

And smashed we will all get.

Well, not ALL of us—it just so happens that getting smashed is my activity of choice.  But there’s ANOTHER big reason to be excited about New Years in Downtown Binghamton: First Night.

The good people of Southern Tier Celebrates have created a ridiculously packed schedule of events for First Night Binghamton 2010.  If you haven’t bought your button yet, they’re stupidly cheap: 12 bucks.  Go to http://stcelebrates.org to see all the stuff you get to do for 12 bucks.  When I say stupidly cheap, I mean it.  You could pay more than 12 dollars for 2 Venti Lattes at Starbucks.  Or you could just buy a First Night Button and get 8 hours worth of entertainment.  You choose.  And don’t be lame.  Lattes will just make you fat.  Even the ones with skim milk.  170 calories per cup.  I just looked it up.

(And PS, if you ARE going to pick the lattes over the fun, you should at least buy a local latte—Java Joe’s [which is open till 11 PM on New Years Eve] or L’Aveggio Roasteria.)

OK, now that I’ve used my irresistible powers of persuasion to convince you to be less lame, I’m sure you’re wondering where to start being less lame.

Well don’t panic; I was prepared for this eventuality… crossing from the land of the lame to the place where the rest of us live requires a wee bit of guidance.  And that’s why I have authored the following guide:

“BingPop’s Guide on How Not To Be Lame on New Years Eve in Downtown Binghamton”

Don’t send thanks.  Just send cash.

Now I’ve divided the guide into two parts.  Part 1 is a small selection of official First Night that I recommend for beginners—follow my lead; you’ll be sure to have a good time AND avoid any clunkers.  Part 2 is a list of First Night hangers-on-ers; they’re not official events, but rather really hot venues that are throwing their own New Years parties at the same time as First Night.  In celebration of it being 2010, I’ve invited the promoters of each of these events to explain why they’re throwing the hottest party around—using exactly 10 words—no more, no less.  (I get my warm and fuzzies by asking people to do strange things for free press.)

PART 1
OFFICIAL STUFF TO DO THAT DOESN’T SUCK

People Lighting S*#t on Fire at Midnight
Otherwise known as the Binghamton Bonfire
12:00 Behind the BC Arena
(As described my Larry Kassan, Twilight Zone Expert, Avid Playbill Collector, and Area Culture Geek)
What better way to say good bye to 2009 and hello to 2010 than by attending the First Night Binghamton Bonfire. Held behind the BC Arena at the culmination of the evening’s festivities, the fire (lit by our brave Binghamton Firefighters, "the one time each year they get to start a fire!") is a great way to warm up, cuddle with your friends … or complete strangers, and welcome in the New Year! And best yet, ya don’t need a button to take part! This year there will be a (pardon the pun) smokin’ live band and at midnight, as the State Office Building countdown goes dark floor by floor, the New Year will be welcomed by what used to be called a GIANT (now Weiss) firework display that will light up the night sky!

People Banging Loudly on S*#t to Wake Up the Neighbors
Otherwise known as the Djembe Drum Circle
5:15 at the Binghamton HS Commons
(As described by Rob Wandell, Owner of Imagicka, Otherwise Known As that Guy With the Really Long Curly Hair Who’s Always Banging on African Drums)
Djembe Drum Circle will run an interactive drum class geared for beginners.  Learn the basics and one or two West African rhythms.  The style that he’ll be teaching has roots in Guinea and the Ivory Coast.  It’s relaxing and energizing all at the same time.  “Like taking an acoustic shower.  You’ll come out refreshed, like ‘ahhh’.  We’ll also be part of the Merry Maker’s March, so if you miss the class, you can see us there.”  The Djembe class is full of basic rhythms and therefore perfect for all ages.

People Running Around in a Hamster Ball To Play a Video Game That’s Like 100 Times Better Than Nintendo Wii
Otherwise known as the VirtuSphere Demonstration
5:00 at the Binghamton HS Small Gym
(As described by Jim DiMascio, COO of VirtuSphere, or, as I like to call him, Lord of the Hamster Ball)
Virtusphere is a virtual reality locomotion simulator. The hardware set consists of a hollow sphere, which is placed on a special platform that allows the sphere to rotate freely in any direction according to the user’s steps. First Night attendees will be able to get inside Virtusphere and experience a virtual tour of the historic village of Lavra, Russia by transmitting the virtual enviroment to the wireless head mounted display, attendess will move freely through out the Lavra virtual envirotment creating the most immersive virtual experience. Virtusphere is going to revolutionize virtual reality entertainment which includes allowing people to play inside the favorite games, providing virtual tours for education, museums, fitness and architectural walk through.

World-Renown People Running Around Doing Funny Dances That Will Blow You Away
Otherwise Known as Galumpha
9:45 at the Broome County Forum
(As described by Andy Horowitz, President in the Land of Galumpha. And the most flexible guy I’ve ever talked to over e-mail.)
Galumpha combines acrobatics, striking visual effects, physical comedy and inventive choreography to bring to life a world of imagination, beauty, muscle and merriment. The three performers create a sensory feast of images, drawn together into a seamless whole, consistently bringing audiences to their feet. Galumpha is a triumphant mix of art and entertainment, offering award-winning choreography (Edinburgh Festival Critics Choice Award, Moers International Comedy Arts Prize) at venues throughout the world.  For First Night Galumpha will perform two, 45-minute sets at the Forum Theater in downtown Binghamton at 8:30 and 9:45 PM.  The first set will open with a world premier choreographed and performed by children who participated in last summer’s Galumpha Gang intensive acrobatic dance workshop.  These 20 brave artists will dazzle their audience with creativity and acrobatic prowess.  Following the children’s presentation, the three Galumpha performers will take the stage and finish out the set.  What does Galumpha really do?  Well, we guarantee this:  You will see ways in which one human being can lift another two off the ground that you have never, ever seen before!

Crazy People Hacking up Ice with Chain Saws
Otherwise known as the Ice Sculpting Competition
7:00 at the Broome County Courthouse Lawn
(As described by me, from what I’m reading in the First Night Booklet)
OK, details were a little sketchy on this one, but I’m still recommending it—mainly because it involves a chainsaw.  I think we can all agree that chainsaws on the lawn of the Courthouse Building sound like a fun event, no?  The folks behind this demonstration are the same ones that did ice sculpting in front of a meager audience of onlookers during the rainy-day Communiversityfest.  They’re called “Iceography” and they had a whole mess of talent.  But I should warn you from past experience:  There’s nothing FAST about an ice-sculpting competition.  It’s a group of four people.  Slooooowly making art.  All the same time.  (With a chainsaw.)  Not fast, but beautiful.  And I secretly want to lick the sculptures when they’re done to see if my tongue will stick.

But I’m afraid of the chainsaws.

PART 2
UNOFFICIAL STUFF TO DO THAT EXTRA-DOESN’T SUCK

Now, because it’s going to be 2010, and because I’m a bit weird, I asked the promoters at some of my very favorite Bingo venues to explain in EXACTLY 10 words why they were throwing the hottest New Years Eve parties in the Southern Tier.  As you’ll see, many cheated, through the cunning use of dashes, slashes, and ampersands.  *sigh* Ain’t there no decency left?

Here they are (In alphabetical order.  Because it seemed fairest.  Most fair.  Whatever):

Antonio’s Galleria & Cafe (way out in Endicott…  I know, Endicott!)
Upscale, classy, complimentary champagne, live DJ, outstanding martinis & GELATO!

Cyber Café West
Hottest? Coolest definitely. Monkeys Typing, Chilled Champagne, Funny Hats! Rocking!

The Kilmer Brasserie
Hats & Noisemakers. Champagne Toast. Balloon Drop. Great Music. No Clean-up!

Merlins
Katrina as Dick Clark. All-night liquor. Free Champagne-Toast & Noisemakers.

Southern Tier Young Professionals Dinner Party
Fantastic french buffet with wine, 8pm - 10pm, dress to impress.

Tranquil
Eclectic music! JoshuaB. Free Hors d’oeuvres. Champagne! We mention d’oeuvres?

Yes, it’s true!  I’ll be DJing at Tranquil on New Years Eve.  I like to think I saved the best for last, but you decide for yourself which is best.  Oh, and one last little event I’ll be a part of:  “The Official First Night Mini Countdown”.  You can find it in the Forum starting at 9:30 PM.  The idea is pretty adorable:  Bring the kids, pretend it’s midnight, count backwards from 10, everybody gets to scream and shout, and then you can shuttle them off to bed with a babysitter so you can go back out and do it all over again for the real thing.  OK, maybe they’re not ACTUALLY encouraging you to lie to your children, but that’s what I’d do.  It’d midnight SOMEWHERE in the world at 9:30 PM.  Isn’t it?

Anyway, I’ll see you out on New Years Eve.  And don’t think you can get out of this thing now.  You’ve read the ENTIRE story—and that means you’re committed to the party.  I’ve saved  your IP Address and you’re being tracked.  Don’t think you can use the Internet on New Years Eve without me knowing.  And I have access to ice-sculpting chain saws.

Yes, yes, being the home to IBM, one of the most famous computer companies on the planet is nice.  Having Lockhead Martin, the world’s largest defense contractor, in our backyard might bring some notoriety.  But what I’ve often said—and what has just as often fallen on deaf ears—is that what the Southern Tier really needs to be restored to its full glory is for somebody right here in Binghamton to break a Guinness World Record.  So we end up listed in the Guinness Book. Seriously.

And not one of the more useful or interesting records: world’s oldest man, world’s tallest building, world’s smallest microchip—nobody but eggheads really care about those.  We’re talking one of the really eccentric ones, so we can have our own Trivial Pursuit question or page in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader: world’s chewiest potato pancake, world’s tallest freestanding badminton net, world’s trendiest tea cozy.  Now we’re talkin.

So when I found out what the Binghamton Mets are planning to do this Friday night, I was positively giddy with the sort of girlish delight that they won’t even allow inside a professional sports stadium.  Even a Double-A affiliate sports stadium.

This Friday, between phases of the Toyota Double Grand Finale Labor Day Weekend Fireworks Kick-off Extravaganza Festival of Pyrotechnic Wonder (I think that’s what it’s called), NYSEG Stadium will attempt to break the world record for the most number of human beings simultaneously howling at the moon.

PS: It’s a full moon that night.  Which should make things easier.  Harder.  Easier.  I’m not really sure which.

In any case, I started to wonder exactly how many howling individuals you could stick inside NYSEG Stadium on a Friday night.  According to Wikipedia, the stadium itself seats 6,012.  So the question then becomes: what exactly is the CURRENT world record for most number of human being simultaneously howling at the moon?

Sadly, a search at http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/ yielded no results.  Leading me to believe that there is no current record for most number of people howling at the moon.  Leading me to believe that I could break the record right here, right now, in my bedroom, alone.

There, I just did it.  Send me my damn trophy.  Or certificate of appreciation.  Or screen-printed t-shirt.

Clearly, I have to broaden my search.  A Google query yielded two interesting results:

1. On September 7th of 2007, an organization in Sydney, Australia called “Bums for Bush” attempted to break the word’s record for most number of people bearing their asses in protest.  “Mooning”.  Not exactly what I was looking for, but that’s why Google searches are so much fun.  You never know what irrelevant yet delightful facts will result.  Only 50 people showed up for the protest.  Nice try, @ssholes.

Get it?  Nice try, @ssholes?  Cause they were mooning?  Get it?  I know, I know, you got it.  It just wasn’t funny.  *sigh*

2. On October 26th, 2009, a web site called http://www.moonhowlevent.com/ will attempt to organize a giant Planet Wide Moon Howl.  You’re supposed to do this at 9 o’clock in your own local time.  Think of it as a giant planetary stadium wave of howls, one time zone after the next.  The web site suggests that you organize “howl parties”, “howl with somebody special”, or just (and I think this is probably the point of the whole campaign) buy the organic fitted men’s t-shirt at CafePress.com for the low, low price of 24.99.

PS: According to their own counter, only 371 people have visited the web site.  Which if you ask me is a pretty lame planetary howl.  Not to mention a pretty lame t-shirt marketing campaign.

The bottom line is, I don’t know whether or not the Binghamton Mets will be successful in their mission to break the world record for the world’s largest group howl.  I don’t even know what success would be.  I don’t even know if the term “success” should be applied to such a venture.  Yet I still salute the BMets for trying.  It’s nice to have a dream.  Even if the dream involves getting people so plastered on $3 beers that they participate in an activity that will cause them to spend the entire next day untagging embarrassing photos of themselves on Facebook.

Sounds like my kinda party.

Bottoms up.

I was kind of a loser in the early 90’s.

So it speaks to exactly how successful Shawn Wayans was that even I knew his name.

I didn’t watch “In Living Color”, I hadn’t seen “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka”, and I’m sorry to say that I missed out on “The Wayans Bros” sitcom—a TV show that aired on the WB network before it decided to retool its lineup to cater to bookish 14-year-olds fixated on vampire-slaying and teenaged superheroes.

So the first time I REALLY knew who Shawn Wayans was when I was forced to watch Scary Movie 20 or 30 times in a row by my new roommates in San Francisco (who had JUST arrived in “the big city” from Kansas—yes, Kansas).  It might have been the slapstick comedy; it might have been Shawn’s striking good looks; or it might have been the drugs that they suddenly realized they could buy on the corner of Fillmore and Eddy.  But whatever it was, they just couldn’t get enough of that movie.

Probably it was the drugs.

Anyway, the first 8 or 9 times I actually found it pretty funny—and I was sober.

So when Lori and I got the chance to interview Shawn about Dance Flick, the new film he co-wrote with his brothers, we jumped at it.

INTERVIEW W SHAWN WAYANS

PS I hope that my former roommates are sitting somewhere in a drug-induced haze reading this with jealousy.  (Preferably in Kansas.) Thanks for depriving me of all that sleep.

Poor Scott Adsit;  it must really suck to endure interview after interview based on the question: “So what’s it REALLY like to work with comic geniuses Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin?”

Of course, Scott’s a talented comic actor in his own right—he’s done improv for years and starred in Moral Orel.  But sometimes, when you start talking to somebody only somewhat famous who happens to know somebody who’s super-famous, you get distracted by that whole “I’m 2 degrees from God” syndrome.

Scott plays Pete Hornberger on the smash-hit sitcom “30 Rock”.  Listen in, as we ask probing and insightful questions such as: “So was it intimidating to work with Alec Baldwin?”  “When exactly did you MEET Tina Fey?”  “Can you give me either of their private cell phone numbers?”

We didn’t ask the last one.  But I won’t pretend like we hadn’t considered it.

Actually, Scott’s character is playing a bigger role than ever in 30 Rock this year; so it was nice to talk to him before he stopped taking our calls.  Which should start happening right after he reads this.

LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW

I’ve been meaning to post this all week.

This girl should be found and dealt with accordingly.

By angrily frowning at her.  (I’m only clarifying that because I used to live in Boston; most normal people would take it at face value that you shouldn’t hit somebody for liking another sports team.  But Boston used to have riots over dumb things like baseball.  And then people would die.  So this is for really dumb people who riot over things like baseball.)

PS: I ate at Sake Tumi (downtown sushi place) yesterday afternoon, and they have a new lunch menu.  Which you should try.  ‘Cause it’s cheaper.

PPS: I had lunch at Amera’s Cup ‘o Soup today.  And somebody had challenged Ahmed to make a “pizza soup”.  Which he did.  Which I ate.  It was pepperoni.  And weird.  (I will be switching back to the English Tomato.)  Bye.

It’s not all rainbows and sunshine inside the mind of a man who slits people’s throats and bakes them into meat pies—just ‘cuz.  But it sure makes for a fun little ditty.

Musical theater composer/genius Stephen Sondheim (“Sweeney Todd”) is loved by many people for many reasons.  But this is why I love him; he can write a song from the perspective of just about anybody.  Guy murders a judge and chops up his body before shoving him into an oven?  Let’s write a song about it!  Madmen bond over shooting an American President dead (as in “Assassins”)?  Let’s write a song about it.  Skeezy fairy tale wolf date-rapes teenage girl only moments after doing the same to her grandmother (as in “Into the Woods”)?  Do I hear violins?

I’ll take a moment for those of who didn’t actually get what was going on during “Into the Woods” to absorb that last revelation…

And yet, for all these songs, nobody once accuses Sondheim of tastelessness.  That’s art, I suppose.  But of course, it all has greater meaning—and says something worthwhile about life.  And those who don’t get that are the same folks who probably didn’t realize that the Wolf in Into the Woods (whose costume in the Broadway production literally had giant fake genetalia) was making sexual advances towards Little Red Riding Hood.  Like the Mom and Dad who happily let their kids belt out the new Lady Gaga single “Poker Face” without detecting the fairly blatant sexual innuendos, they’re better off not knowing; and the rest of us are better off not having them know.

Because those people aren’t going to appreciate Sondheim’s “Sweeney Todd” when it makes its way to the Forum Theater on April 18th anyway.  Todd is the tale of a man so disgusted with the complacency and corruption he finds in London that life loses all value for him.  He begins killing at random; and then disposes of the bodies by giving them to the baker downstairs (Mrs. Lovett) who finds that they make tastier meat pies than the pussy-cats being used down the street.  Todd’s quest becomes one of revenge when he finds the man responsible for death of his wife—but that doesn’t stop him from offing a few other people along the way—just for sport.

If you don’t know Sweeney Todd—you may be missing one very important piece of information: The show is FUNNY.  Hysterical, in fact.  Part of its success lies in the fact that Sondheim is able to balance the dark comedy with some pretty serious characters.  Mrs. Lovett, for example, is so in love with who Todd was BEFORE going mad that she can’t even bring herself to realize who he’s become.

At least, that’s the analysis from Carrie Cimma, the actress who plays Lovett in the National Tour that will stop in here on April 18th.  She took some time away from baking priests, mimes, and fops into meat pies in order to fill us in about what we’re going to see…

So in this version of Sweeney, the actors play their own instruments… how good were you REALLY with the stuff you have to play before you started rehearsing?
I was trained primarily on saxophone, but I also play a little piano, guitar and trumpet.  So learning the tuba was really just a matter of remembering how to read the clef it plays in, and adjusting to a different size mouthpiece.  The triangle was much easier!  It was the memorization that was really the most difficult part, even on the easier instruments.  Rarely are professional musicians asked to memorize this much music at one go, so it was a challenge for m e, being an actor first.
 
I’m sure you’ve heard a ton of other actresses sing this part on cast recordings–maybe seen it live.  How do you avoid doing the same old thing with Lovett?
 I was working out of town when the revival played in New York, and was only vaguely familiar with the Lansbury 1979 version.  So I think it was a blessing that I kind of had to start from scratch.  That gave me the opportunity to do EVERYTHING fresh without any preconceived notions of what it "should" be.  The director and producers were really wonderful in letting me experiment and try new things.  I don’t think she’s necessarily an "old" lady, so i tried to keep her light and young and funny.  That’s the heartbreak of this character really; she does what she needs to do to survive, and is very witty and charming, but makes some terrible choices.  She really needs to be someone the audience identifies with, that keeps people on her side.  Then when she comes to the end of her story, it’s that much more devastating. 
 
Sweeney Todd’s a bit of a nut; I always wonder what Lovett SEES in Sweeney?  What’s it for you?
I think she’s fixated on the version of Benjamin Barker she remembers from 15 years ago.  Back then, he was probably young and handsome, charming and friendly.  She’s had that person in her head for all this time, and his transformation into this obsessive madman kind of flies under her radar.  It’s that whole "love is blind" thing.  Also, when she has been ruminating on this one person for so long, losing that obsession is almost worse than losing the actual person or the relationship.
 
Have you ever actually HAD a meat pie?
Yes.  I’m not such a fan.  I’ve never really liked pie crust.  I like to eat all the filling out of pecan pie and feed the crust to the dog.
 
One made of a pussy-cat?
I own a cat, so no!  His name is Bisquit, and that’s about as close as I get to the cat/food connection.
 
OK, now the dirt; One of the fun things about having the tours come through is seeing them out after the show.  Who in the cast are we most likely to end up doing a shot with before you leave town?
Well, Binghamton is our closing city, so probably all of us!!  I have to take really good care of myself for this show, so I haven’t been drinking while touring.  But when it’s over, I think I might have a whiskey or two.  Or three.
 
You don’t have to make any enemies by telling us the crappiest place you’ve visited on tour; but you DO have to tell us why it sucked so much…
It’s always hard when we’re staying away from the area the theater is in.  Sometimes we’re out by the highway, next to a Waffle House (which is delicious) and you have to take your life in your hands by running across the four lane highway to get to the gas station to get a coffee.  A lot of places we’ve been are not very pedestrian friendly, so it’s like a dangerous game of Red Rover.

Word from the folks at BU is that Jon Stewart is ALMOST sold out.  They wouldn’t share any numbers–but I’m going to assume they’re not playing the "if we say we’re almost sold out, it’ll spur sales" card.  Buy your tickets soon–or be crushed by regret as the rest of us laugh at your self-imposed misery.