Look, it’s not that I actually ENJOY recessions.  I mean, there’s nothing fun about being laid off after years of devotion to your corporate overlord or see your hard-earned 401K spiral into nothingness.  But here’s the deal…  I think we all could use a little perspective: the Titanic’s sinking, there’s not enough lifeboats, no hope of rescue, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.  So why not lay way back in your deck chair and enjoy the band as it plays on?

And so today, for your shameful pleasure, I present to you, three things you can do to enjoy the worst economic times of our generation…  Well, the last 3 or 4 generations.

Share and enjoy.

1) Become a cubicle seat-filler.
You’ve heard of seat-fillers at the Oscar’s right?  When Nicole Kidman gets up to take a pee, a "Nicole Kidman-esque woman" takes her place.  That way, when the cameras pan over the crowd, nobody says, “My God, Nicole Kidman went to take a pee!  RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the Oscars!”

The alternative would be a plastic cup.  Not pleasant.

Corporate America was so inspired by the example, they’ve gone to hiring “cubicle fillers”.  The story goes something like this.  “My God, we’ve got an important client coming on Thursday and 60% of our staff has been laid off!  That’s going to look good at all.  What shall we do?  I know!  Let’s hire temps to PRETEND to do the work that all the fired people aren’t doing.”

We found out about it on a site called oddjobnation.com—a web page for the recently unemployed that collects articles asking profound questions like, “Is porn recession-proof?”

They’ve also got a fun web sit-com about—what else—lay-offs.

2. Freak the F#($ out.

What are you doing reading this blog while you’re at work?  Your boss is just around the corner.  What was that noise?!? Was it your boss?  No, it’s the intern, thank God, it’s the intern.  Wait, what if the IT guy is watching my screen remotely?  What if they IT guy is watching my screen remotely and piping it to my boss?  What if my boss sees that I’m reading this blog while I’m at work and lays me off at 5 o’clock???  I’ve got a family and 2 kids and a car payment and a mortgage a serious coke habit on the side!

Have you had this conversation with yourself recently?

If so, hang on, you’re about to get a bit more neurotic thanks to the “Telonu Layoff Tracker”!  (PS, the coke probably isn’t helping.)  Not convinced that you’re the next one headed for the unemployment line!?  Well, you will be, as you watch the totals pour in from companies all across the nation.  GM loses a thousand!  NY Times, 200 more!  Chances are, you GOTTA be next.  Oh the fun you’ll have…

3. Buy my shirt.
Of all the things Binghamton can take pride in, there’s one that’s more useful right now than any other: we know how to live in a crappy economy.  Seriously!  Business has been thriving here for years despite tough times.  Don’t fear it!  Embrace it!  Wear it proudly on your chest.  In Small, Medium or Large…

CLICK TO ORDER

And just think!  You’ll be supporting the local economy.  For every shirt that you buy, Café Press will send $3.50 to me!  Which happens to be the exact price of a rum and coke at the Mad Moose.  Which is what I will buy with the earnings.  To forget about how crappy the economy is.

Salud!

There’s some weird epidemic of cool people dying right now—as if they were just waiting to see how the 08 election turned out before they croaked.  Yes, it was THAT good an election.

This time, at 86 years old, it was the Inventor of the Hawaiian Shirt..

Stop that, it’s not nice to laugh when people die.  Besides, the Hawaiian shirt, alongside the enormous fold-out map and long-lensed camera is one of they key tools we have in identifying clueless tourists in major metropolitan areas—or so Hanna Barbera cartoons would have you believe.

Alfred Shaheen has been called the “inventor of the Hawaiian shirt”—but it turns out that it’s not really true.  He just picked up on the trend of Americans flying back to the states with the tacky over-the-top designs and decided to make them higher quality and with more style.  At least that’s what it said in the article I read.

How anyone could make Hawaiian shirts “more stylish” is beyond me.

Elvis made the shirts even more popular when he wore one on a 1961 album cover. Oh, Elvis, you taste-maker you.

If you feel inspired to “class it up” with a Shaheen design in his memory, you can find one here.  Sadly, they don’t come in mourner’s black.

(BTW, just found out that the inventor of the Hawaiian shirt was born in Jersey.  Go figure.)

Have you ever seen a person so gorgeous it looked like they were being airbrushed in real time by an invisible graphic artist?

That person is Heidi Klum.

She’s famous for her annual Halloween party; even more famous for her annual Halloween costume; and even more famous still for that other guy she always seems to be walking around with on Halloween.  Oh, wait, what?  Is that Seal?  Didn’t he used to sing stuff?

Heidi’s costume was as utterly brilliant as ever this year.  Here’s her latest “Hindu God” costume…

Here she is in 07 as a sexy kitten.  Sex kitten.  Whatever.

Here she is as “sexy-apple” from the Adam and Eve story in ‘06.  If you really think through the idea, it kinda implies that Eve’s a lesbian.  Weird.

OK, here’s the ONE picture when she’s almost able to hide her obscene hot-ness.  But they had to turn her into a black-haired Cousin Itt to do it.  It’s from ’05.

This last one has nothing to do with Halloween.  But I figured I’d reward the guys who made it to the end of this posting.

I can never figure out what to be on Halloween.  I suck at it.

And I’m not wearing one of those dorky orange shirts with the big black writing that says “This is my Halloween Costume”.  Who ARE those people?

So here’s a “Halloween outfit for the rest of us”—it’s the hip version of the generica t-shirt costume. Stylish, fun, and custom-made: SIEBIE’s Intramural Zombie Hunter t-shirt.

You can throw an old ratty pair of jeans on with this baby and you’re good to go tricker-treating and then over State Street all not long.  (And because of the gore on the shirt, you might not even see the vomit from excess partying.)

The front’s got a Zombie-hunting logo and the back is custom made with your last name and number.  Shirts are custom-bloodied.  You can even choose a level of gore, from “None” to “Lots of Gore”. 

The SIEBIE people claim they’ll have it to you for Halloween if you order by TONIGHT.  So whip those credit cards out.

And the rest of their line is pretty damn cool too: