Look, it’s not that I actually ENJOY recessions.  I mean, there’s nothing fun about being laid off after years of devotion to your corporate overlord or see your hard-earned 401K spiral into nothingness.  But here’s the deal…  I think we all could use a little perspective: the Titanic’s sinking, there’s not enough lifeboats, no hope of rescue, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.  So why not lay way back in your deck chair and enjoy the band as it plays on?

And so today, for your shameful pleasure, I present to you, three things you can do to enjoy the worst economic times of our generation…  Well, the last 3 or 4 generations.

Share and enjoy.

1) Become a cubicle seat-filler.
You’ve heard of seat-fillers at the Oscar’s right?  When Nicole Kidman gets up to take a pee, a "Nicole Kidman-esque woman" takes her place.  That way, when the cameras pan over the crowd, nobody says, “My God, Nicole Kidman went to take a pee!  RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the Oscars!”

The alternative would be a plastic cup.  Not pleasant.

Corporate America was so inspired by the example, they’ve gone to hiring “cubicle fillers”.  The story goes something like this.  “My God, we’ve got an important client coming on Thursday and 60% of our staff has been laid off!  That’s going to look good at all.  What shall we do?  I know!  Let’s hire temps to PRETEND to do the work that all the fired people aren’t doing.”

We found out about it on a site called oddjobnation.com—a web page for the recently unemployed that collects articles asking profound questions like, “Is porn recession-proof?”

They’ve also got a fun web sit-com about—what else—lay-offs.

2. Freak the F#($ out.

What are you doing reading this blog while you’re at work?  Your boss is just around the corner.  What was that noise?!? Was it your boss?  No, it’s the intern, thank God, it’s the intern.  Wait, what if the IT guy is watching my screen remotely?  What if they IT guy is watching my screen remotely and piping it to my boss?  What if my boss sees that I’m reading this blog while I’m at work and lays me off at 5 o’clock???  I’ve got a family and 2 kids and a car payment and a mortgage a serious coke habit on the side!

Have you had this conversation with yourself recently?

If so, hang on, you’re about to get a bit more neurotic thanks to the “Telonu Layoff Tracker”!  (PS, the coke probably isn’t helping.)  Not convinced that you’re the next one headed for the unemployment line!?  Well, you will be, as you watch the totals pour in from companies all across the nation.  GM loses a thousand!  NY Times, 200 more!  Chances are, you GOTTA be next.  Oh the fun you’ll have…

3. Buy my shirt.
Of all the things Binghamton can take pride in, there’s one that’s more useful right now than any other: we know how to live in a crappy economy.  Seriously!  Business has been thriving here for years despite tough times.  Don’t fear it!  Embrace it!  Wear it proudly on your chest.  In Small, Medium or Large…

CLICK TO ORDER

And just think!  You’ll be supporting the local economy.  For every shirt that you buy, Café Press will send $3.50 to me!  Which happens to be the exact price of a rum and coke at the Mad Moose.  Which is what I will buy with the earnings.  To forget about how crappy the economy is.

Salud!

HOTTEST NEW PLACE TO STUFF YOUR FACE
Tranqil Bar & Bistro, 36 Pine Street, Bing

Buttoned-up BU professors, hardcore politicos, high-powered attorneys, boozing barflys, pre-gaming B-Mets fans, and even the occasionally drag queen.  You’ll find them all stuffing their faces with fantastic food at Tranquil.  And let’s face it: we’re all crapping our pants a bit about the economy; so it’s good to have a place to let loose.  (Plus, they’re thriving even though half the Bingo population is stuffing cash in their mattresses.)

It’s not just the crowd that’s diverse; with Cajun night, Turkish Tuesdays, tapas specials, and an urban brunch worthy of the snootiest ladies who lunch, they’re working hard to expand the palettes of native Binghamtonians.

All that even though they’ve got a kitchen smaller than my closet and are settled in a neighborhood that’s got kind of an unsavory reputation.  But then again, maybe that’s half the fun.  Don’t tell anybody you got out alive; I want to be able to get my favorite table on a Friday night.

COOLEST TECH IMPROVEMENT–BINGO AREA
Bingo Wi-Fi

USE IT OR LOSE IT: That’s the name of the game when it comes to the Binghamton Wi-Fi.  Thank God, somebody decided to broadcast a message to the world that Bing isn’t stuck in the stone age (or at least the party-line age).

Now it’s time for us to get our asses in gear.

Binghamton’s got FREE wi-fi downtown.  Just flip on your IPhone, select “Binghamton Wireless”, and get surfing.  It’s never been easier to look at porn while sipping on a latte at Java Joe’s.

But Bing needs your help.  If you’re a business: ADVERTISE on the wi-fi splash page.  If you’ve got a lap top, make sure to USE the wi-fi so it’s easier to sell to advertisers.

Let’s all make it an 09 New Years Resolution to support Bingo Wi-Fi.  Otherwise, we’ll have to listen to that F#*&(@% annoying Mr. Moviefone every time we want to look up the show times at Regal.

SEXIEST PUBLIC PLACE IN BING
Chameleon Café, 112 Nanticoke Ave, End-eeeeee-cott

Honestly, if a couple of in-the-know friends hadn’t escorted me up the stairs and into the Chameleon Café in Endicott, I’d have thought that I walked into somebody’s remarkably well-decorated and softly lit private apartment by mistake.  That’s the vibe:

A hip bachelor’s shag-pad with a fully stocked bar stuck in the middle.

There’s comfy couches, intimately spaced barstools, and very cool mood music.  I’m not saying that there’s a place you can take a date that will absolutely GUARUNTEE that you’ll start making out in public and putting hands in inappropriate places, but the Chameleon is your best bet.

They DO serve food.  But I’ve only ever been there for drinks, because, well, who wants to eat right before you’re going to get it on anyway?  And when a restaurant’s web page requires you to click the “NEXT” button twice before you see the entire martini list, you know you’ve found a place worth visiting in person.

WEIRDEST KIND OF SPEIDIE YOU’VE EVER SEEN

People, I just need to voice a serious concern.  Since before I even moved here, I knew that there was one thing of fundamental importance to the character of Binghamton: the Spiedie.  Now that fundamental is under attack.

Yeah, sure, pirogis LOOK harmless.  First, we’re declared the Pirogi Capital of the World.  Then it happens again.  Next thing ya know, we’ll be celebrating Pirogi-Fest and exporting Pirogi Sauce.

It’s just not right, people.  Not natural.  Get it together.

And so in a mission to revitalize the Spiedie, I asked the BingPop readers to nominate the most unusual spiedie they’ve ever seen.

The winner:  Alligator.

We got reports of all kinds of spiedies.  Shrimp.  Ketchup.  But Susan from Bing told us about her secret family recipe for Alligator Spiedie.

*VOMIT*

Moving on…

MOST NEATO CHARITY EFFORT
Mission Soccer Ball

Ask me a year ago what I thought we’d need to fix the cluster-F in Iraq and I wouldn’t have said soccer balls.  Apparantly, that’s exactly what they need.

It’s what the soldiers use to befriend the kids on the Iraqi streets.

So in April, “Hockey Bob” and NewsChannel34 got together and collected HUNDREDS of deflated soccer balls at the Oakdale Mall to send them overseas to Iraqi kids.

I think a cool charity event deals with the needs of the moment—and there’s nothing that needs more dealing with than the craziness going on in the Middle East.

So kudos to Hockey Bob for seeing a problem in the world and fixing it—and ruining Christmas for all the American kids that wanted soccer balls this year but couldn’t get them because they were sold out.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hot air balloons are pretty and everything.

But not when they emergency land in your backyard.

That’s what happened on the South Side of Binghamton yesterday according to a buddy of mine who was on hand to take photos of the whole incident.  Here’s what he had to say:

We were out on the back porch to watch a big balloon hovering in the sky a few blocks away.  As we watched it, it descended while moving west along the roadway. As it continued, it seemed to be getting too close to the trees and power lines.  We decided to follow it.  As it descended, it clipped a few tree branches and seemed to almost land on the house on the corner.

It continued on a few blocks and finally landed safely in someone’s back yard.  It was quite a site, a large rainbow balloon sitting behind a large house – almost like it was their private ride.  I wonder how they’ll get it back out of their yard.  One of the balloon riders said they had started the trip about 30-40 minutes earlier and had hit a completely dead patch, with no wind. They were going nowhere and needed to land.  They decided to put it down wherever they could.