So what do Binghamton, my Mom, and the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons all have in common?

Stick with me here…

A long, long time ago (I was 13), in a land far, far away (North Jersey), my mother asked me to explain: “What is this Dungeons and Dragons thing all about?”

She said it in that tone of voice that parents occasionally adopt, as if to say, “I’m only asking because I think it’s possible you might have gotten mixed up with something that I don’t understand involving sex, drugs, rock & roll, satanic cults, or, most likely, all 4, and I’m very much hoping you can explain it all away for me so that I can return to my can of Diet Coke and a very special episode of Geraldo where I’ll be indoctrinated with even more irrational parental fears.”

Keep in mind, this was the same troubled tone she used when learning that I was “Surfing” “That Interweb” in “Her House”.

Joshua
Well… Mom… Dungeons and Dragons is kinda like a board game.

Mom (excitedly, comprehending)
A board game!  Like Monopoly!  That’s not so bad!

Joshua
Well yes, except there’s no board…

Mom (disappointed, bewildered)
Oh.

Joshua
Or like a video game.

Mom (jubilant, understanding)
A video game!  Like Tetris!  That makes sense!

Joshua
Well, yes, except there’s really no television or joystick or cartridge or anything.

Mom (defeated, confused)
Oh.

Joshua
It’s really a bit like a card game—

(Mom holds her hand up.)

Mom
Is it a sex thing?

Joshua
Mom!

Mom
Cause if it’s a sex thing, you can tell me.  Or a drug thing—are you smoking something?  Cigarettes?  Crack?  Heroin?

Joshua
Mom.

Mom
…Forget it.

(Mom exits, stage left, presumably to drink her Diet Coke and watch Geraldo.)

Yes, Mom, didn’t understand Dungeons and Dragons, and neither did the world.  In 1979, a mentally unbalanced boy named James Egbert wandered into the steam tunnels at Michigan State in a failed attempt to kill himself, and the PI that was hired to find him blamed the whole thing on Dungeons and Dragons.  It turned out to have nothing at all to do with D&D and everything to do with Egbert wanting to kill himself, but the damage had been done.  From then on, the game held a pretty big stigma.  And so did the people playing it.

But what’s the REALITY of D&D and why in God’s name does Binghamton have anything to do with this blog entry?

Well one of the people at the forefront of “de-geeking” the D&D franchise (and perhaps even de-demonizing it) is Binghamton-born author Shelly Mazzanoble.  A few years back, she wrote a book for makers of D&D called “Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress: A Girl’s Guide to the Dungeons & Dragons Game”.

From the very beginning, she takes on your perceptions about who the “typical D&D player” is…  Action hero Vin Diesel, comedian Stephen Colbert, Queer as Folk regular Hal Sparks, and child actor Wil Wheaton: all closet D&Ders; none of them geeks.

Well yeah OK, Wil Wheaton’s a pretty big geek.  But he also played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Which is pretty damn cool.  If you’re a pretty big geek.

And some of these people aren’t just casual gamers.  Vin Diesel reportedly had the name of his D&D character tattooed on his stomach while filming xXx.  That’s some seriously butch action cred.  Heh.

The point is, D&D players come from all walks of life.  Even uber girly girls.  Like Shelly Mazzanoble:

“I get pedicures, facials and microderm abrasions.  I own more flavors of body lotions, scrubs, and rubs than Baskin Robbins could dream of putting in a cone.  I organize my shoes by heel height, sort my handbags by strap length…” and so on.

And yes, she, as it turns out, is also a D&D player.  But she wasn’t always.  Mazzanoble more or less stumbled into her promotions job at (D&D maker) Wizards of the Coast by answering a generic help wanted ad—no company name.   It wasn’t long before she was working at an office that not only tolerated… actually encouraged their employees to play games during the workday.

I have to be honest and tell you that I thought her book would read like a promotional pamphlet for the game.  But it doesn’t.  Mazzanoble’s approach dispenses with gamer clichés—pimply faced loner teens with Dorito-stained hands in dark basements—right up front and allows us to look at the real world of “role-playing” with fresh perspective.  It’s fun, witty, smart and will make it clear to anybody who cracks the spine—future gamer or not—why D&D appeals.  And it also makes me hope that we’ll even more of her work published sometime soon.  (She’s already had two plays produced in Seattle and several short stories appear in notable magazines/newspapers.)

So what IS D&D already?

I’ll quote from Shelly’s text:
“In a D&D game, players are typically part of a team united in an effort to achieve a common goal.  It’s like this: a group of people sits around a table, similar to how they would sit if they were scrapbooking or eating Chinese food or planning the neighborhood’s next blog party.  The Dungeon Master…weaves the tale, which includes various entry points where the player characters must decide on an action.  After a lot of dice rolling … players take turns controlling the fate of their characters … until victory or defeat has been accomplished.  Then the story continues.  It’s essentially cooperative storytelling around the table.”

OK, might not SOUND exciting right off the bat—this is probably the driest passage in the entire book—but it is exciting.  Read the whole book.

I was actually familiar with “Confessions…” long before I knew that Shelly was from Binghamton; the fact that she turned out to be from the Southern Tier was just a perfect opportunity to discuss my childhood dork obsession on this blog.

And to continue to spread the gospel that role-playing ISN’T just for dorks.

Shelly (otherwise known as 134-year-old sorceress Astrid Bellagio) took a few moments away from slaying orcs and taking names to answer a few questions about “Confesssions”.

Being that you grew up in Binghamton—which, let’s face it, is IBM geek central—there must have been a bunch of little geek-spawn D&D players around. Any memories of what the scene was like in Binghamton?
Sadly I came into my geekdom late in life so if there were any geek-spawn pockets of D&D players around, my Sweet Valley High reading, soap opera watching, Duran Duran listening self was probably making fun of them. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s true because a friend I reconnected with on Facebook told me I made fun of him for playing when he discovered where I work and what I’ve been up to. Please allow the 9 year old me to publicly apologize to the 9 year old Dave. Maybe everything I’m doing now is really just my way of repenting.

As a self-proclaimed “pedicure, facial, and microderm abrasion” girly-girl, how did you end up working at the home of Dungeons and Dragons?
I know, right? Seems like the last place I’d end up or even know existed. I’ve been at Wizards of the Coast for over 10 years and have loved every one of them. It’s a creative, passionate, fun company. We have to have fun—we’re a game company!

I found the job listing in the newspaper of all places. The company name wasn’t listed, nor was what they did. It was just an ad for  “promotions coordinator” and I happened to have lots of promotions experience. About 3 minutes into my interview I knew I wanted to work there. Fortunately I was hired as Promotions Coordinator for Magic: The Gathering. Trading card games were totally new to me. I didn’t have cards that attacked each other or could cast magical spells on my opponent when I grew up. I had Hungry, Hungry Hippo and Operation! But if there’s one thing consistent about all gamers it’s that they love to teach so I learned pretty quickly.

I always feel like a person’s D&D character says something about them as a person (duh). What does your 134 year-old elven sorceress say about you?
Oh my beloved Astrid… Well, she was my first D&D character and I think I treated her the way a lot of new parents treat their first child. I was absolutely paranoid that she would die so I didn’t really let her get too involved in combat. Fortunately she was a sorceress and wasn’t expected to get up close and personal with the bad guys.

Astrid is the epitome of my girly side. Discovering how much I loved the game, and how outside the stereotype of a typical game I was, only heightened Astrid’s uber-feminine side. In a way I was using her to break down stereotypes. Don’t get me wrong—we are a lot alike. I do love shopping so I made sure she was always outfitted in the best designer adventuring gear—Balenciago Bag of Holding, Jimmy Choo Boots of Speed. She hated fighting animals—even if they were beating the tar out of her party. She was always friendly and optimistic and studious.

I’m much more lax with my current character, Tabitha Sparkles (tiefling wizard), much the same way parents are with their second child.(I’m the second child so I speak from experience.) Tabitha is intentionally the polar opposite of Astrid. I didn’t want to get attached to her—or at least not that attached to — so I made her bitter and antisocial and impetuous. I discovered that D&D characters are a much more resilient than I thought and I’ll gladly sacrifice a few hit points in exchange for the excitement of being in the middle of a fight with a bunch of bug bears.

We know what the average guy gets out of gaming—fighting stuff, winning stuff, getting the girl, etc. If you had to sum up your book in, oh I don’t know 15 words, what’s the “girl appeal” of D&D?
Socializing, imagining, creating stories, looking out for your friends and eating and drinking a lot.

In your book, you list off a few “closet gamers”. Anybody that really surprised you—or somebody who you found out about after the book came out?
The last celebrity I heard about that surprised me was Eliza Dushku who said (via Twitter) something along the lines that she was raised on D&D.

Knowing what I know about D&D and the people who are attracted to it, I’m not usually surprised to find out someone in a creative field plays or played it. D&D is such an imaginative game that has often been credited for helping to hone creative writing, storytelling and character building skills which lends itself perfectly to anyone hoping to land a job in television or film. In fact, one writer from a television show said D&D was like a “secret handshake in Hollywood.” Like if you are in a meeting and make an obscure D&D reference and someone across the table laughs, it’s an instant connection.

OK, so in my extensive research in advance of this interview (reading the first 13 pages of your book and looking at your Facebook profile), I haven’t yet discovered how your girlfriends reacted to your gaming habits—or the book. Could they relate? Did you convert any of them?
Well, they know where I work so they’re used to the stories from around the office, but still a few were surprised that I started playing D&D—willingly. At first I got a lot of “That game is still around?” and then a lot of “They make you play that? How sad.” I had to do a bit of convincing to make them realize I wasn’t being forced to play D&D—I really liked it.

I wanted them to try it at least once so they could see what the game was really about. Everybody has these weird misconceptions about what goes on in a D&D game (strange accents, costumes, teenage boys in basements.) You can do all of those things if that’s what you’re into but you don’t have to.  I’m sure that if more people realized that D&D can be played at a dining room table in the home of an investment banker by men and women in jeans and button downs they might be more inclined to try it.

I didn’t convert any of my girlfriends (yet) but they had way more fun than they thought they would. And they have a new understanding for what the game is and the people who enjoy it which is a huge part of what I was trying to accomplish with Confessions.

Every gaming guy WISHES his girlfriend GOT Dungeons and Dragons… or Worlds of Warcraft… or Quake 4. And you do. Which begs the somewhat personal question… do you get hit on a lot at industry events? (And no, this is not me hitting on you.)
Aw, how disappointing! To be honest, I’m not the most perceptive when it comes to deciphering the difference between friendly chatter and flirting. I do go to a lot of industry conventions and I have the pleasure of meeting a lot of D&D players. What I get a lot of is people telling me about their characters. Maybe that’s their way of hitting on me?

Astrid on the other hand used to get hit on all the time. I’d actually get email that said “For Astrid” or “Please pass this on to Astrid.” I was never very sure how to respond to those.

Beyond the world of Wizards of the Coast for a second… what are you writing? What’s next from Shelly Mazzanoble?
Beyond the world of Wizards of the Coast, I have a collection of short stories that have been horribly neglected on my hard drive but I still pretend I’ll get back to work on. I also have a non-fiction work in progress about my mom because she’s such a funny person and should have a book about her. If I don’t write it someone else will.

Within the world of Wizards I have been writing a monthly column for Dragon Magazine called Confessions of a Full-Time Wizard and I’ll continue to do that as long as the editors let me. If you’re looking for some crunch with your coffee then this column is not for you. I like to write about the social aspects of D&D like what happens when members of your group quit or move away and you have to replace them or the terror I felt when my boss forced me to DM for a group of new players around the office. Bosses get away with that stuff at Wizards.

You can read Shelly’s monthly D&D column online here. And if your now prepared to get your geek on with the rest of us, you can begin your journey at Jupiter Games in Vestal or Fat Cat Books in Johnson City—they’ve got just about everything you need.  Godspeed.

Yes, yes, being the home to IBM, one of the most famous computer companies on the planet is nice.  Having Lockhead Martin, the world’s largest defense contractor, in our backyard might bring some notoriety.  But what I’ve often said—and what has just as often fallen on deaf ears—is that what the Southern Tier really needs to be restored to its full glory is for somebody right here in Binghamton to break a Guinness World Record.  So we end up listed in the Guinness Book. Seriously.

And not one of the more useful or interesting records: world’s oldest man, world’s tallest building, world’s smallest microchip—nobody but eggheads really care about those.  We’re talking one of the really eccentric ones, so we can have our own Trivial Pursuit question or page in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader: world’s chewiest potato pancake, world’s tallest freestanding badminton net, world’s trendiest tea cozy.  Now we’re talkin.

So when I found out what the Binghamton Mets are planning to do this Friday night, I was positively giddy with the sort of girlish delight that they won’t even allow inside a professional sports stadium.  Even a Double-A affiliate sports stadium.

This Friday, between phases of the Toyota Double Grand Finale Labor Day Weekend Fireworks Kick-off Extravaganza Festival of Pyrotechnic Wonder (I think that’s what it’s called), NYSEG Stadium will attempt to break the world record for the most number of human beings simultaneously howling at the moon.

PS: It’s a full moon that night.  Which should make things easier.  Harder.  Easier.  I’m not really sure which.

In any case, I started to wonder exactly how many howling individuals you could stick inside NYSEG Stadium on a Friday night.  According to Wikipedia, the stadium itself seats 6,012.  So the question then becomes: what exactly is the CURRENT world record for most number of human being simultaneously howling at the moon?

Sadly, a search at http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/ yielded no results.  Leading me to believe that there is no current record for most number of people howling at the moon.  Leading me to believe that I could break the record right here, right now, in my bedroom, alone.

There, I just did it.  Send me my damn trophy.  Or certificate of appreciation.  Or screen-printed t-shirt.

Clearly, I have to broaden my search.  A Google query yielded two interesting results:

1. On September 7th of 2007, an organization in Sydney, Australia called “Bums for Bush” attempted to break the word’s record for most number of people bearing their asses in protest.  “Mooning”.  Not exactly what I was looking for, but that’s why Google searches are so much fun.  You never know what irrelevant yet delightful facts will result.  Only 50 people showed up for the protest.  Nice try, @ssholes.

Get it?  Nice try, @ssholes?  Cause they were mooning?  Get it?  I know, I know, you got it.  It just wasn’t funny.  *sigh*

2. On October 26th, 2009, a web site called http://www.moonhowlevent.com/ will attempt to organize a giant Planet Wide Moon Howl.  You’re supposed to do this at 9 o’clock in your own local time.  Think of it as a giant planetary stadium wave of howls, one time zone after the next.  The web site suggests that you organize “howl parties”, “howl with somebody special”, or just (and I think this is probably the point of the whole campaign) buy the organic fitted men’s t-shirt at CafePress.com for the low, low price of 24.99.

PS: According to their own counter, only 371 people have visited the web site.  Which if you ask me is a pretty lame planetary howl.  Not to mention a pretty lame t-shirt marketing campaign.

The bottom line is, I don’t know whether or not the Binghamton Mets will be successful in their mission to break the world record for the world’s largest group howl.  I don’t even know what success would be.  I don’t even know if the term “success” should be applied to such a venture.  Yet I still salute the BMets for trying.  It’s nice to have a dream.  Even if the dream involves getting people so plastered on $3 beers that they participate in an activity that will cause them to spend the entire next day untagging embarrassing photos of themselves on Facebook.

Sounds like my kinda party.

Bottoms up.

OK, so look: I’ve got a message for all you haters claimin that the Bing isn’t a “real city”.  Does YOUR hometown have its very own troop of supernatural ghost-hunters?  Huh? Huh? Well?

I thought not, bitches.

That’s right, Binghamton does; and don’t you dare call them “Ghostbusters”, or they’ll go paranormal on your ass.

Apparently, the “Binghamton Area Paranormal Society” is a bit snobby about that sort of thing—at least snotty enough to pooh-pooh the very idea of “proton packs” and “ghost-sucking”.  They seem so worried that the 80s hit film destroyed ghost-hunting cred forever that they open up the “What Is a Ghost Hunter” section of their web page with a short but disdainful rant about how they’re NOTHING like those slapstick frauds.

No, they don’t have proton packs or special uniforms with cutesy little Casper logos.  But they do have EMF meters (because electromagnetic fields tell you where the ghosts are), non-contact thermometers (because “cold spots” ALSO tell you where the ghosts are), and flashlights (because, um, it’s really, really dark where they work).

And if there’s “something strange in your neighborhood” or “an invisible man sleeping in your bed”, just understand that they’re going to assume you’re full of crap if you call them.  That’s part of their ghost-hunting philosophy: normal until proven paranormal.  But the good news is, they’re so devoted to the art that they’re willing to come investigate your home or business totally free of charge.  Act now, while supplies last!  If they DO discover some sort of creepy crawly troublemaker, however, it is NOT their job to remove it.  For that, they rely on some local “religious power” for help.  “Think of us … as counselors who … help lessen the supernatural load.”  Right.

Don’t believe in ghosts?  Well, they’ve got the photos, video, and audio to, er, “prove it”.  Supposedly.  I listened to an audio clip—uh, sorry, an “Electronic Voice Phenomena”—of a disembodied voice saying one word—“Leave”—about ten times just to decide if it was an actual communication from the afterworld or just the guy holding the tape recorder trying to screw with his buddies.

They’ve also got a handy dandy ghost dictionary on their site, which tells you all sorts of useful things—like that a “demon” is a “hostile and resentful enemy”, an “entity” is a “disembodied consciousness,”, and an “anomaly” is “anything weird, abnormal, strange, odd, or difficult to classify”.  I feel qualified to hunt ghosts already.

And these hunters aren’t libel to sit on their ass and wait for the ghosts to come to them.  They’ve already investigated paranormal reports in a number of sites all over the Bing aread: The Bunn Hill Road Cemetery, Chenango Valley Cemetery, Ingram Hill Road Cemetery, Port Crane Cemetery, Morgantown Cemetery… Uh, yeah. They like cemeteries a lot.  Well these ARE ghosthunters.  And I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt in assuming this isn’t just an excuse to romp around amongst graves in the middle of the night.  Thought I would point out that if the dead people are STAYING in the cemeteries, it can’t be that much of a problem.

OK, fine, I’m a cynic.  But I’m willing to be turned.  If a BingPop reader wants their home ghost-busted, I’ll come along for the ride.  Just as long as they let me hold one of the electromagnetic field detectors.  And let me pretend it’s a tricorder.  You just let me know.

BTW, my e-mail request for an interview was not immediately returned.  Too busy exorcising the demons, I suppose.

Look, I wasn’t alive when machines took over manufacturing; but I think that I would have been OK with it.  I’m pretty friggin’ lazy.  When computers learned how to spell for me, I was actually damn glad—even if I do have to click undo every time my cell phone auto-corrects “Binghamton” to “Birmingham”.  I was EVEN OK with it when they invented a robot to replace fashion models; feminists, doctors (and anybody else with a brain) have been saying for years that no human being should force themselves to be that skinny—and apparently some robotics geek in the IT department took them literally.

But robots writing my porn?

A line must be drawn in the sand, people.  I’m telling you: robotic strippers aren’t far behind.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  This all started when I heard about The Bookseller’s Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year.  Anything that trivial and still well-publicized seemed like a worthy feature for BingPop.

But then I learned of this year’s “controversy”.  *GASP* Among nominees such as “Curbside Consultation of the Colon” (appetizing!), “Strip and Knit with Style” (titillating!), and “Baboon Metaphysics” (um, stupid), was a title that was COMPUTER GENERATED.  “The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-miligram Containers of Fromage Frais” was “written by” Prof Philip M Parker.

(PS, Fromage Frais is a French diary product not often found in the US.  And yes, I had to look that up on Wikipedia.  Don’t judge.)

Now it’s probably true that most great inventions in the world stem from one form of laziness or another—but Parker takes the cake; he wanted to be a best-selling author without actually bothering to write a book.  Instead, he invented a computer algorithm to do the writing for him.  On just about any topic he plugs into the machine.  The algorithm searches the Internet for all available info, organizes it, creates a few pretty charts, and voila: Parker’s now got over 200,000 books listed on Amazon.  Which has got to make him very popular with the ladies.  Who like books.  Sexy librarians?

Anyway, what he’s working on next will definitely make him popular… with somebody; computer-generated romance novels.  Or what I like to call “pornography for sexually repressed women”.

Parker: “I’ve already set it up.  There are only so many body parts.”

Ya know; I’m not sure, but I’m beginning to remember hearing about something similar… a device for piecing together random bits of memory and placing it in a new context… some sort of “internal creative device” if you will…

Oh right, your f&$king imagination.

God, we’re lazy.

PS, one of next year’s potential nominees for the "Oddest Book Title" award is about to be released: "Soft Drink and Fruit Juice Problems Solved" from Woodhead Publishing.  And that little nugget of weird came from the brain of a real live human being.  How quaint.

OK, let me just get you oriented;  before you accuse me of being a snob, I want you to point your browser over to the Hillshire Farm web site.  Do you know what the URL is?  www.GoMeat.com .  Seriously; on the front page of this site is an energetic young housewife cast as an overgrown cheerleader leaping into the air with a giant bullhorn as if she’s ACTUALLY about to scream: “GO! MEAT!”  If ever there were a product asking to be made fun of, It’s Hillshire Farm “Lit’l Smokies”—(which, BTW, come in 6 varieties, including Lit’l Polskas Smoked Polish Sausage).

Well that’s just one of the many culinary delights you’ll find served at Doug Camin’s “Tacky Wine Club Strikes Back”.  But it doesn’t end with the Lit’l Smokies, nosirry.  They’ll also be servin’ up the spray cheese and Ritz—(and who doesn’t love that delightful spray cheese sound?  Makes my mouth water even as it turns my stomach.)

But as the name might suggest, it’s more about the wine than anything else.  “Franzia is your friend,” the invitation from hosts Doug, Kim, and Liz declares proudly.   And if it comes in a box, plastic bottle, single serve size, screw-off top, has a “spout”, giant jug, can only be served at Passover, or refers to a feline on the label, you’ve got the right stuff.

Now you wouldn’t expect a tacky wine party to be exclusive—but it IS at Camin’s “semi-swanky downtown Blinghamton loft”—so he does ask that you RSVP.  And he’s opened up the invite to the readers of BingPop.  (Because we know tacky.)  All you gotta do is ask him which wine to bring—and don’t worry, he’s asking a few folks to bring “regular” wines… for when you just can’t take anymore.

We ran into Douglas at the Sunoco station where he was carefully examining a 1.5 liter bottle of something sort of pinkish.  And that’s where we asked him a few questions…

What EXACTLY constitutes a "tacky wine"?
This is always up for debate. Some will tell you it is wines from boxes - but in other countries, the best wines are in boxes because they keep better. Probably the best yardstick is what the wine is trying to be. A truly tacky wine will actually be fortified and not really be "true" wine, but more like a "wine product." It makes you wonder sometimes.

Let’s talk pairings.  What wine goes best with spray cheese?  How about cocktail weenies?
Cocktail weenies will definitely be making an appearance. Right along with a great tacky soundtrack of your favorite hits from the 70s, 80s and 90s. The cocktail weenies - if cooked right - stand alone. I heard a rumor that little quiches may be showing up too.

What is the proper way to taste a bad wine?
With your pinky off the glass, of course! It may also be advisable to have something else to drink with it. Like water, soda, or maybe mouthwash.

OK, look, I’ve kept it in long enough.  I just need to come right out and say it: I have an unnatural obsession with Angela Lansbury.

Yes, Angela Lansbury; the 84-year old Academy Award winning star of the Manchurian Candidate and (MORE IMPORTANTLY) the fine actress who portrayed singing teapot Mrs. Potts in the masterpiece musical Beauty and the Beast.  But that’s not really the root of my obsession…

It all began when I was very young.  I tried to hide from it.  Tried to redirect my interest into something normal.  The Hardy Boys or Edgar Allen Poe.  But they just wouldn’t do.  It would all come back to that small town of Cabot Cove, Maine, where bestselling novelist Jessica B Fletcher (played by Lansbury) would unleash an unintentional trail of homicidal carnage in her literary wake.  That’s right, week after week on Murder She Wrote, a local resident would inexplicably die and Angela would come to the rescue—noting that the killer was clearly LEFT-handed based on the angle of entry and therefore the suspect Sheriff Tupper had in custody couldn’t POSSIBLY be the real killer.

But it wasn’t JUST Fletcher.  It was really just any ludicrously unlikely detective.  In 1987, NBC created the Father Dowling Mysteries—in which a Catholic Priest and a streetwise nun worked to keep slime balls off the streets of Chicago.  And before that, the Great Mouse Detective rocked my world.  If there were a potted plant that knew how to uncover insurance fraud, I’d own the DVD box set.

So when I tell you about the “Underwood Estates Wine Murder Mystery” this Sunday at Antonio’s Café—you’ll understand why I’m excited.  Normally, I’m a theater snob—and the idea of dinner (or in this case brunch) theater makes me want to gag on a chicken parmesan.  But as far as I’m concerned, with murder mysteries, the campier the better.

Bring on the ailing old millionaire, the scheming butler, the money-hungry young nephews trying to get a glance of their uncle’s will.  If an over-the-top European inspector enters with a muddy accent: all the better.  And let him have a magnifying glass—oh please, let him have a magnifying glass.  And a fake suicide note.  And a skeleton key.

Let there be all these things; and I will be there.  Munching on Antonio’s brunch of pasta, meatballs, and chicken cutlets.  (And BTW, there’s a cash bar; because any great interactive murder mystery brunch is best when enjoyed with a fine White Zinfandel.)  If you’re feeling super-ambitious, Antonio is still looking for actors; e-mail him at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .  The whole thing is hosted by “DJ John Adams”—which, BTW, is an excellent DJ name—-major “founding father cred”.
 
PS: Antonio has the best gelato is greater Binghamton.  Save room.

OK, people, it’s time to pull together.  Because, let’s face it, nobody likes a loser.  And that’s what the Village of Owego is about to become.  A loser.

Here’s the deal: Budget Travel Magazine is running a contest to find the Coolest Small Town in America.  And like most important contests in life, it’s a popularity contest; that’s right, I rank this one right up there with “Prom King”, “Captain of the Cheerleading Squad,” and “President of the United States”. Whichever town gets the most votes, wins the title.

Now Owego was WAAAAY out in the lead only a few short weeks ago.  But since then, the nasty people of Rockland, Maine have come from behind and are now a hundred votes ahead.  Personally, I suspect treachery.  That’s right: cheating.  And by “suspect”, I really mean “intend to generate they wildly unfounded rumor that they are”.  I feel comfortable doing this, because I suspect that the people of Rockland don’t know how to find me.  And are incapable of operating a car.  Or using a map.  Or a GPS.

How’s that for trash talk?  Are you motivated yet, non-losers of Owego?!?

SO GET ON THERE AND VOTE.

(And just so you know, Owego, if this whole “winning” thing doesn’t work out, I might be forced to pretend I don’t know you in the cafeteria at lunchtime.)