I plan on getting immensely fat over the next week.  Just an FYI.

Not that you NEED to get immensely fat during Bing Restaurant Week—but it IS an option.  It’s also possible to eat healthy.  Grande’s, for instance, is offering broiled haddock on their menu—which can’t possibly be THAT bad for you, relatively speaking.  Little Venice has a grilled chicken with veggie side, the sushi at Sake Tumi is a safe bet, and Whole in the Wall has got their famous veggie stir-fry over brown rice. Yum.  In addition, Lost Dog has set up their menu with a choice of FOUR courses so you can opt out of desert and get a salad instead.  Always thinkin, that kooky lil Dog.

But I’m planning on getting fat.  And I welcome you to join me.

BTW, last Restaurant Week I ate at 7 restaurants in 9 days.  A form of madness that I highly recommend.

For those of you STILL unfamiliar with Bing Restaurant Week (hellllooooo…), it’s an expansion of “Downtown Bing Restaurant Week”—an event that started last spring.  “Borrowing” NYC’s restaurant week was the idea of Monica Michaels, owner of the tragically defunct Kilmer Brasserie.  (PS, if anybody can tell me what’s going into that space that isn’t just an unsubstantiated rumor, hit the little “send a tip” button on top of the page and I’ll give you a cookie.)

The Restaurant Week deal is this: 3 courses for $20 (dinner) or 3 courses for $8 (lunch).  Of course, the quality of the deal will vary a bit based on the original price point of the restaurant, but my sense is that the restaurants have gotten a bit more competitive this time around—working hard to offer the BEST deal in town based on the price of their normal menu.

Naturally, all this talk of eating out led to a conversation this morning between Lori and I about that friend you absolutely CAN’T take to dinner this week because they bitch about everything.  One of those people is my dad.  (Sorry, Dad.  I hope by publically humiliating you, your behavior will improve.)  But I know plenty of people who live right here in Binghamton that I will NOT be eating with at restaurant week.

You know who I’m talking about: the one who complains that the meat isn’t cooked to their EXACT specification, gives the server a miserable, annoyed look, and sends it back to the kitchen with a dismissive wave of their hand—as if it’s the server’s fault.  (And then gives a sh*tty tip.) That guy.  Or girl.

So be good this week, Binghamton.  Or I’m uninviting you from the cool kids table.  And I’ll spit in your food.  Cause the staff or the restaurant prolly won’t.

Anyway, during the course of this conversation, I decided to see if I could find an etiquette guide on the Interwebs that gave instructions as to how to behave when somebody really DID screw up your meal.  Here’s what I found, from whatscookingamerica.net:

If the food served is not to your liking, it is polite to at least attempt to eat a small amount of it. It is never acceptable to ask a person why they have not eaten all the food. Don’t make an issue if you don’t like something or can’t eat it - keep silence.

God, that’s TERRIBLE advice.  And probably written for somebody who’s dining at a friend’s home.  But it got me reading the rest of their advice.  And realizing how many etiquette rules are absolute hogwash to begin with.  I mean, fine; don’t talk with your mouth full; nobody wants mashed potato shrapnel flying at your face because you feel it necessary to discuss the finer points of the Obama administration’s economic policy mid-chew.  But WHY must the salt and pepper “travel together”.  Do they get lonely on their own?  And it’s ridiculous to call it “traveling”—they’re going across the table, not on a road trip to Nebraska.

So I’d like to present to you, 5 dumb-ass ettiquite rules from www.whatscookingamerica.net that I will NOT be following during Restaurant Week:

Always scoop food, using the proper utensil, away from you.
Seriously?  This just seems inefficient.  Why am I scooping food in a different direction that it eventually needs to go.  The shortest distance between two points is my mouth.

Try to pace your eating so that you don’t finish before others are halfway through.
I’ll eat my food as quickly as I damn well please.  If I finish first, there’s more time to get extra cocktails and pretend that your overindulgence was just "part of the meal".

Whenever a woman leaves the table or returns to sit, all men seated with her should stand up.
Sexist.  Sorry, it just is.  Although, to be clear, all should stand when I enter a room.  Not because of my gender.  Just because I’m awesome.

Asparagus:  Most etiquette books say that you can eat whole asparagus spears, without a sauce, by picking up with your hand. However, if you do this at a restaurant or dinner party, you will draw strange glances. Be safe and use your knife and fork to cut and eat them. Only pick asparagus up with your hands if the hostess does.
If your hostess smears her body with jam and starts yodeling in the middle of dinner, would you?  Eat with a knife and fork.  Unless you’re eating spaghetti.  Then you can eat with your hands…

Spaghetti: It is acceptable to cut pasta with a knife and fork. You can get some leverage by turning the pasta while holding the tines of your fork against the edge of your plate. It’s even correct to neatly cut the pasta if twirling is too hard.  If possible, serve warm pasta in warm, shallow bowls instead of on dinner plates. The sides of the bowl aids in turning pasta noodles on the fork.
I feel a little bit like an engineer wrote this rule.  And for whom, exactly, is twirling pasta too difficult.  If it is, I don’t want you eating at my table.  Or leaving your house for that matter.  You may be a danger to the public at large.

Soup: Dip the spoon into the soup, moving it away from the body, until it is about two-thirds full, then sip the liquid from the side of the spoon, without inserting the whole bowl of the spoon into the mouth.  It is perfectly fine to tilt the bowl slightly (again away from the body) to get the last spoonful or two of soup.  To eat bread while eating your soup, don’t hold the bread in one hand and your soup spoon in the other. When ready to eat a bite of your bread, place the spoon on the under plate, then use the same hand to take the bread to your mouth.
My lord, is it all right to bring the instruction manual to the table and consult it each time I want some tomato bisque?

Now that I’ve got all the DON’Ts out of the way, what SHOULD one do during Binghamton Restaurant Week?  Have fun.  Experiment.  Eat somewhere new.  Don’t be afraid to branch out—that’s what this week is all about.  And, even if you’re feeling a bit lazy, get off your ass!  If we don’t support our local businesses, they’ll go away.  So pick up the phone right now; find out if your restaurant of choice takes a reservation, and if so, make one.

I’m not the only one that has something to say about Bing Restaurant Week (or BingRW as “the kids” are callin’ it).  Check out these other fine digital publications for more opinions.  Just remember to bookmark THIS digital publication first…

TASTING BINGHAMTON
http://tastingbinghamton.blogspot.com/2010/09/binghamton-restaurant-week-preview.html
HER CAMPUS
http://hercampus.com/school/binghamton/best-binghamton-restaurant-week
COLLEGE TUNA
http://collegetuna.com/binghamton/2010/08/binghamton-restaurant-week-top-5-reasons-to-go/