If this appeals to you, please e-mail me right away.  Because I’d like to stop being friends with you.

There’s a web site out there called “Celeb4aDay.com”.  I don’t know what it says about a company that its clientele are too stupid or lazy to type the word “for” in its entirety.  This web site offers you the chance to (duh) “be” a celebrity for a day.  And by that, they actually mean “get stalked by the paparazzi”.  As if THAT is the appealing part of being a celebrity.  Not owning a Beverly Hills estate with a swimming pool the size of a Finger Lake, no.  Not walking into a club on Saturday night and pretty much expecting that you can gesture vaguely in somebody’s direction and they’ll want to have sex with you.  That’s not it either.  (Although it occurs to me that there’s already an industry built around getting much hotter people to have sex with you; and it probably costs less than Celeb4aDay.com)

No, Celeb4aDay only provides the paparazzi.  For a mere 729.99—isn’t there a point at which the “1 cent less than the dollar” psychological trick stops working—you can have 4 cameramen follow you around and pretend to care about you for a full 30 minutes.  (PS, my therapist will pretend to care about you for a full 30 minutes at a significantly reduced rate.  And I get a free session if you use my name.)

If you’re willing to shell out the big(ger) bucks—989.99—they’ll actually give you the photos too.  Imagine that.  And they’ll stalk you for 60 minutes.  Here’s the best part:  You get to fill out a questionnaire revealing all your dirtiest secrets so that they can shout invasive questions as they snap away:  “Gary, is it true that you can’t satisfy your wife?!”  “How many illegitimate children to you REALLY have?” “Is it true what they say about you and Clay Aiken?”

Yes, it’s true.  The idea of Clary Aiken having sex with just about anybody is inherently funny.

And as if that’s all not stupid enough, for 2999.99 (thank God; I wasn’t going to buy if it came to 3000), they’ll provide you with a publicist to say “no comment” for you and a bodyguard to protect you from… um, the people who want to kill you because you spent three-thousand dollars on paparazzi.

That’s all fine and well; but I propose an additional package: For 5000 bucks, you should get to spend a night in jail, a week in rehab, get sued for running over the paparazzo’s foot, and experience a simulated overdose.

Now that’s what I call a good time.

PS: They won’t do this in Binghamton; although they’re "expanding to a city near you" soon.  I think by city near us they mean New York.  Good riddance.