“Whatever. Our economy collapsed decades ago.” – Bingahamton, NY
Look, it’s not that I actually ENJOY recessions. I mean, there’s nothing fun about being laid off after years of devotion to your corporate overlord or see your hard-earned 401K spiral into nothingness. But here’s the deal… I think we all could use a little perspective: the Titanic’s sinking, there’s not enough lifeboats, no hope of rescue, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. So why not lay way back in your deck chair and enjoy the band as it plays on?
And so today, for your shameful pleasure, I present to you, three things you can do to enjoy the worst economic times of our generation… Well, the last 3 or 4 generations.
Share and enjoy.
1) Become a cubicle seat-filler.
You’ve heard of seat-fillers at the Oscar’s right? When Nicole Kidman gets up to take a pee, a "Nicole Kidman-esque woman" takes her place. That way, when the cameras pan over the crowd, nobody says, “My God, Nicole Kidman went to take a pee! RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the Oscars!”
The alternative would be a plastic cup. Not pleasant.
Corporate America was so inspired by the example, they’ve gone to hiring “cubicle fillers”. The story goes something like this. “My God, we’ve got an important client coming on Thursday and 60% of our staff has been laid off! That’s going to look good at all. What shall we do? I know! Let’s hire temps to PRETEND to do the work that all the fired people aren’t doing.”
We found out about it on a site called oddjobnation.com—a web page for the recently unemployed that collects articles asking profound questions like, “Is porn recession-proof?”
They’ve also got a fun web sit-com about—what else—lay-offs.
2. Freak the F#($ out.
What are you doing reading this blog while you’re at work? Your boss is just around the corner. What was that noise?!? Was it your boss? No, it’s the intern, thank God, it’s the intern. Wait, what if the IT guy is watching my screen remotely? What if they IT guy is watching my screen remotely and piping it to my boss? What if my boss sees that I’m reading this blog while I’m at work and lays me off at 5 o’clock??? I’ve got a family and 2 kids and a car payment and a mortgage a serious coke habit on the side!
Have you had this conversation with yourself recently?
If so, hang on, you’re about to get a bit more neurotic thanks to the “Telonu Layoff Tracker”! (PS, the coke probably isn’t helping.) Not convinced that you’re the next one headed for the unemployment line!? Well, you will be, as you watch the totals pour in from companies all across the nation. GM loses a thousand! NY Times, 200 more! Chances are, you GOTTA be next. Oh the fun you’ll have…
3. Buy my shirt.
Of all the things Binghamton can take pride in, there’s one that’s more useful right now than any other: we know how to live in a crappy economy. Seriously! Business has been thriving here for years despite tough times. Don’t fear it! Embrace it! Wear it proudly on your chest. In Small, Medium or Large…
And just think! You’ll be supporting the local economy. For every shirt that you buy, Café Press will send $3.50 to me! Which happens to be the exact price of a rum and coke at the Mad Moose. Which is what I will buy with the earnings. To forget about how crappy the economy is.
Salud!
Yes!!! Please do buy a T’shirt from Joshua. Actually several…PLEASE!!
This way he can continue coming into the Moose and contribute to my personal economic stimulous fund!!
Add this to your list of jobs: Did you read about the family that is auctioning itself on ebay “for publicity”? yep! the entire family up for sale to advertise family oriented products. They say that they are the perfect image for that because they are the “All-American family”. Whatever does that mean? agh!