I plan on getting immensely fat over the next week.  Just an FYI.

Not that you NEED to get immensely fat during Bing Restaurant Week—but it IS an option.  It’s also possible to eat healthy.  Grande’s, for instance, is offering broiled haddock on their menu—which can’t possibly be THAT bad for you, relatively speaking.  Little Venice has a grilled chicken with veggie side, the sushi at Sake Tumi is a safe bet, and Whole in the Wall has got their famous veggie stir-fry over brown rice. Yum.  In addition, Lost Dog has set up their menu with a choice of FOUR courses so you can opt out of desert and get a salad instead.  Always thinkin, that kooky lil Dog.

But I’m planning on getting fat.  And I welcome you to join me.

BTW, last Restaurant Week I ate at 7 restaurants in 9 days.  A form of madness that I highly recommend.

For those of you STILL unfamiliar with Bing Restaurant Week (hellllooooo…), it’s an expansion of “Downtown Bing Restaurant Week”—an event that started last spring.  “Borrowing” NYC’s restaurant week was the idea of Monica Michaels, owner of the tragically defunct Kilmer Brasserie.  (PS, if anybody can tell me what’s going into that space that isn’t just an unsubstantiated rumor, hit the little “send a tip” button on top of the page and I’ll give you a cookie.)

The Restaurant Week deal is this: 3 courses for $20 (dinner) or 3 courses for $8 (lunch).  Of course, the quality of the deal will vary a bit based on the original price point of the restaurant, but my sense is that the restaurants have gotten a bit more competitive this time around—working hard to offer the BEST deal in town based on the price of their normal menu.

Naturally, all this talk of eating out led to a conversation this morning between Lori and I about that friend you absolutely CAN’T take to dinner this week because they bitch about everything.  One of those people is my dad.  (Sorry, Dad.  I hope by publically humiliating you, your behavior will improve.)  But I know plenty of people who live right here in Binghamton that I will NOT be eating with at restaurant week.

You know who I’m talking about: the one who complains that the meat isn’t cooked to their EXACT specification, gives the server a miserable, annoyed look, and sends it back to the kitchen with a dismissive wave of their hand—as if it’s the server’s fault.  (And then gives a sh*tty tip.) That guy.  Or girl.

So be good this week, Binghamton.  Or I’m uninviting you from the cool kids table.  And I’ll spit in your food.  Cause the staff or the restaurant prolly won’t.

Anyway, during the course of this conversation, I decided to see if I could find an etiquette guide on the Interwebs that gave instructions as to how to behave when somebody really DID screw up your meal.  Here’s what I found, from whatscookingamerica.net:

If the food served is not to your liking, it is polite to at least attempt to eat a small amount of it. It is never acceptable to ask a person why they have not eaten all the food. Don’t make an issue if you don’t like something or can’t eat it - keep silence.

God, that’s TERRIBLE advice.  And probably written for somebody who’s dining at a friend’s home.  But it got me reading the rest of their advice.  And realizing how many etiquette rules are absolute hogwash to begin with.  I mean, fine; don’t talk with your mouth full; nobody wants mashed potato shrapnel flying at your face because you feel it necessary to discuss the finer points of the Obama administration’s economic policy mid-chew.  But WHY must the salt and pepper “travel together”.  Do they get lonely on their own?  And it’s ridiculous to call it “traveling”—they’re going across the table, not on a road trip to Nebraska.

So I’d like to present to you, 5 dumb-ass ettiquite rules from www.whatscookingamerica.net that I will NOT be following during Restaurant Week:

Always scoop food, using the proper utensil, away from you.
Seriously?  This just seems inefficient.  Why am I scooping food in a different direction that it eventually needs to go.  The shortest distance between two points is my mouth.

Try to pace your eating so that you don’t finish before others are halfway through.
I’ll eat my food as quickly as I damn well please.  If I finish first, there’s more time to get extra cocktails and pretend that your overindulgence was just "part of the meal".

Whenever a woman leaves the table or returns to sit, all men seated with her should stand up.
Sexist.  Sorry, it just is.  Although, to be clear, all should stand when I enter a room.  Not because of my gender.  Just because I’m awesome.

Asparagus:  Most etiquette books say that you can eat whole asparagus spears, without a sauce, by picking up with your hand. However, if you do this at a restaurant or dinner party, you will draw strange glances. Be safe and use your knife and fork to cut and eat them. Only pick asparagus up with your hands if the hostess does.
If your hostess smears her body with jam and starts yodeling in the middle of dinner, would you?  Eat with a knife and fork.  Unless you’re eating spaghetti.  Then you can eat with your hands…

Spaghetti: It is acceptable to cut pasta with a knife and fork. You can get some leverage by turning the pasta while holding the tines of your fork against the edge of your plate. It’s even correct to neatly cut the pasta if twirling is too hard.  If possible, serve warm pasta in warm, shallow bowls instead of on dinner plates. The sides of the bowl aids in turning pasta noodles on the fork.
I feel a little bit like an engineer wrote this rule.  And for whom, exactly, is twirling pasta too difficult.  If it is, I don’t want you eating at my table.  Or leaving your house for that matter.  You may be a danger to the public at large.

Soup: Dip the spoon into the soup, moving it away from the body, until it is about two-thirds full, then sip the liquid from the side of the spoon, without inserting the whole bowl of the spoon into the mouth.  It is perfectly fine to tilt the bowl slightly (again away from the body) to get the last spoonful or two of soup.  To eat bread while eating your soup, don’t hold the bread in one hand and your soup spoon in the other. When ready to eat a bite of your bread, place the spoon on the under plate, then use the same hand to take the bread to your mouth.
My lord, is it all right to bring the instruction manual to the table and consult it each time I want some tomato bisque?

Now that I’ve got all the DON’Ts out of the way, what SHOULD one do during Binghamton Restaurant Week?  Have fun.  Experiment.  Eat somewhere new.  Don’t be afraid to branch out—that’s what this week is all about.  And, even if you’re feeling a bit lazy, get off your ass!  If we don’t support our local businesses, they’ll go away.  So pick up the phone right now; find out if your restaurant of choice takes a reservation, and if so, make one.

I’m not the only one that has something to say about Bing Restaurant Week (or BingRW as “the kids” are callin’ it).  Check out these other fine digital publications for more opinions.  Just remember to bookmark THIS digital publication first…

TASTING BINGHAMTON
http://tastingbinghamton.blogspot.com/2010/09/binghamton-restaurant-week-preview.html
HER CAMPUS
http://hercampus.com/school/binghamton/best-binghamton-restaurant-week
COLLEGE TUNA
http://collegetuna.com/binghamton/2010/08/binghamton-restaurant-week-top-5-reasons-to-go/

My favorite thing about Barb Daly is that she wears a beret.  Like, more often than anyone else I’ve ever met.  She’s got berets in almost every color to match almost every outfit.  As if a revolution might break out any second, and she wants to be ready for the photo shoot.  That’s my favorite thing about Barb Daly. That, plus she’s opening up a new coffee shop on the south side of Binghamton.

She’s working with partner Sherrie Saluc to build a café that serves coffee “with a touch of spirituality on the side.”  I know, I know.  Sounds a little hippy-ish around the edges.

But I like just about anybody who’s willing to take a risk on a Bingo business; plus, their excitement about “The River Music Café” is annoyingly infectious.  There were a good two or three moments during the interview during which I felt a sympathetic smile begin to creep onto my face.  But then I quickly squelched all feelings of joy.

The cafe: not so pretty yet.  They’re on it.

They’re setting up shop at 7 South Washington—right next to the walking bridge—and plan to open Dec 20th.  I met up with them today at Cyber Café West to chat about the café and taste their vegan chocolate cake.  Pretty damn good, by the way.  Almost made me wish I didn’t love the taste of dead animal flesh so very much.

So what’s DIFFERENT about the River Muse?
It’s a place where kindred spirits meet.  Great soups, fabulous coffee drinks, delectable deserts with a commitment to buy local.  All of our takeout materials will be green.  The food will be nutritious for meat eaters and vegans alike.  All welcome.

Who makes the food, what’s their background, and what’ll it be like?
We’re purchasing the best of the best from all local culinary talent.  Barbara’s an energetic entrepreneur that like good coffee.  Sherrie firmly believes that you can combine nutritious, delicious, and healthy, with a touch of spirituality on the side.  Cheesecakes to brownies to great cookies to stuffed dates.  And healthy alternatives like dried cranberries/almond mix.  All of our lunches will have healthy sides.  ie, everybody gets an apple (locally grown, of course) whether they want it or not.

Who are your customers and what do you see them doing at the café?
We are our demographic.  And we’ve also discovered a niche in the market for young people who crave good coffee and good food.  College students who need a place to gather.

How about entertainment and special events.  If you could describe the ultimate night you’d plan at the café, what would it look like?
We’ll be on the First Friday circuit and the river trail.  Art shows and live local musicians.  We’re open to all genres of music and literature events.  Poetry readings, book clubs, and spiritual conversations.  We can even imagine an opportunity for live webcasts from the café.  Political conventions.  We can’t be labeled and we welcome all ideas.  We’re inclusive!

Hot air balloons are pretty and everything.

But not when they emergency land in your backyard.

That’s what happened on the South Side of Binghamton yesterday according to a buddy of mine who was on hand to take photos of the whole incident.  Here’s what he had to say:

We were out on the back porch to watch a big balloon hovering in the sky a few blocks away.  As we watched it, it descended while moving west along the roadway. As it continued, it seemed to be getting too close to the trees and power lines.  We decided to follow it.  As it descended, it clipped a few tree branches and seemed to almost land on the house on the corner.

It continued on a few blocks and finally landed safely in someone’s back yard.  It was quite a site, a large rainbow balloon sitting behind a large house – almost like it was their private ride.  I wonder how they’ll get it back out of their yard.  One of the balloon riders said they had started the trip about 30-40 minutes earlier and had hit a completely dead patch, with no wind. They were going nowhere and needed to land.  They decided to put it down wherever they could.